This afternoon, my girlfriend was driving me to the airport and asked if she could put on a podcast she listens to from time to time. I was delighted. For countless hours, I’ve made her listen to Pardon My Take in the passenger seat of my car, and I was more than happy to return the favor because that’s what a good relationship is.
The moment I heard Alex Cooper immediately dive into the importance of building up spit while sucking dick with Tana Mongeau(somebody that you don’t need to know), I was vehemently disappointed. I could sit here and rant to you the take you’ve all heard before. Yeah dude Alex Cooper is just a whore promiscuous young woman that’s taking advantage of America’s increasingly pro-feminist atmosphere, but that’s so tired. All of your boys have said that for years, and I get where they are coming from, but it’s not our place to care, and it’s not that hard to not listen to something you don’t like. In fact, here are twenty-five things I’d rather do than tune in to the next episode of Call Her Daddy:
- Be the only middle-eastern middle schooler in a suburban white town on September 12, 2001
- Eat over $25 of Arby’s in one sitting
- Come out as a gay son to a Dad from Lubbock, Texas
- Teach organic chemistry at Wichita State
- Take 3 Cialis pills and spend a day in Chuck E. Cheese
- Be a middle school girl that got her period on the Washington DC field trip
- Trip Acid with a PTSD riddled Vietnam vet
- Publicly disagree with Joe Rogan on his podcast’s Reddit forum
- Watch 50 Shades of Grey with my extended family
- Fart on the bench at a crowded Planet Fitness
- Fulfill Dwight Howard’s sexual fantasies
- Wear a Vineyard Vines I 🐳 Miami shirt around my boys
- Date a girl with “she/her” in her Instagram bio
- Rip the burnt part of a puff bar
- Be the only guy with a Camera at a sorority girl’s 21st birthday party
- Feverishly consume Nash Grier content
- Make a toothbrush out of George Lopez’s pubic hair, and use it
- Ask a 5’5 Italian gym rat what BCAs do
- Lead Morgan Wallen’s PR team
- Sport a MAGA hat around an art school campus
- Hear two millennials from Austin discuss IPAs
- Clean toilets in the Phoenix airport
- Intern for Ellen Degeneres
- Drive a group of special needs eight-year olds past an amusement park
- Write comedy skits with Lele Pons
100%.
I’m here to shit on guys wearing “Daddy” hats. The horny soyboy fans that define the phrase I hope she sees this bro. I’m completely serious; if I was dying and a guy that wears a hat that says “Daddy” on it when he goes out offered me his kidney, I wouldn’t take it. The fact that you are actively wearing Call Her Daddy merch, so girls think that you are this Harry Styles type guy breaking gender roles is so fucking pathetic. No, you’re just a huge pussy. You are just 5’6 and NEED a foot in the door when you’re talking to women; it’s fairly obvious. Any guy that claims they listen to Call Her Daddy always flips the switch on you when you shit on them for it. What? So you’re saying it’s wrong for women to freely talk about their bodies and have the same living room conversations that men have been having for hundreds of years? No, I’m not. I’m saying that you listen to a dog water podcast where the two topics are manipulation tactics and hot Cheetos. And don’t even get me started on the fellas that think they outsmart everybody by listening to that podcast. Shut the fuck up.
Ultimately, Alex Cooper is really fucking smart. She gets paid 50x the money I do, doing about a third of the work, game respect game. Her male fans can suck a dick though.
