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Stories of the Week

At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that are followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that are too crazy in the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity.

Jeremy:

“Blacked out at our fraternity party and had to be driven back to my dorm. Don’t remember any of this. Apparently at 1 AM I open my window (which is 3 floors directly above the entrance to my residence hall) and pee out it. Turns out public safety officers were walking out right as I did that and I peed all over them. I continued to stand on my window butt ass naked shaking my dick while they had a flashlight on me from below. In the 2 minutes it took them to come up to my room I had fallen asleep in my roommates bed and woke up to three officers trying to shove a breathalyzer down my throat. They sent me to the hospital and I got suspended from my university and two fines from the county judge.”

Wow. I can’t tell if this is having incredibly bad or incredibly good aim. Also fuck this, this should not have resulted in a suspension. If anything he was alerting Public Safely that he was incapacitated and needed to be sent to hospital in the quickest way possible. The college should be praising him for his efficient call of distress and knowing that he needed help.

Aden:

“I took a family trip to Egypt. Everything was great the whole time. We saw all the sites and did all the tours and shit. Then on the last day, I must’ve ate something bad. On the plane flight home I didnt feel well. I tossed and turned in my sleeper seat. Eventually I knew I was going to throw up. I ran to the airplane bathroom that divided the business and first class sections. But to my horror, ALL THE BATHROOMS WERE TAKEN. Then a first class passenger came walking back looking for a bathroom. She was wearing a beautiful black cocktail dress and a pearl necklace. I tried to wave her away but it was too late. I threw up all over her. Completely ruined her dress. I felt so bad that I bought her a new dress. Then, last week, we did a seminar in school about woman CEO’s, and I recognized someone. The woman I threw up on was THE CEO OF CLOROX. Now im pissed. I bought her a whole new dress when She could’ve cleaned that shit herself.”

I know, I know, this story sounds too fucking good to be true, but after my extreme vetting of pasting into Google and getting no results and checking that the CEO of Clorox is indeed a woman, the benefit of the doubt stands with Aden.

Brett:

“So I was fucking this bitch in the ΚΣ house in the bathroom at umass and she was toppin me off and I was like Ight let’s have sex. I shit you not I took off her shorts and I got hit in the face with A DICK bro. I ran outside ran outside and puked in the yard. Completely ruined the darty. Only hooked up with her once again after that.”

Sounds about ΚΣ.

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