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Stuff Everyone Loves Doing When Home Alone

Rock out with your cock out

If no one is in my house, there is a strict nudity policy, and that policy is that I am required to be nude. Don’t even pretend like you’re any different. No one being around means that you can, as Bruno Mars once said, “strut in your birthday suit.” Girls, you’ll have to get your metaphorical cocks out for this one, but being naked in your own house will give you a bigger rush of dopamine than the Dunkin’ iced coffee you’ll inevitably treat yourself to that day. Trust me on that one.

Eat gross amounts of food

You wake up and realize that no one is around to see how much you can eat, so you get to work. Personally, I’ll make three eggs, four pieces of pork roll (if you think it’s called Taylor ham, you’re a fucking moron, a couple hash browns, and some toast for breakfast. After that, I usually whip up a sandwich and some chips for lunch about an hour later, and after that, it’s snack time until I eat dinner. Don’t pretend like you’re any different. If you’re the only one home, you’ll eat north of 4,000 calories. It’s just a fact.

Work out

Totally kidding. If no one’s home what’s the point of working out? It’s not like anyone is seeing you do it, so you can just lie and say you did to seem somewhat productive.


Napping is one of everyone’s favorite pastimes, but for whatever reason, you’ll get looked at like a complete degenerate for waking up at noon and taking an hour-long nap at 3:30pm. For that reason, most people decide that they’ll skip a good nap, but if you’re home alone, you know damn well that you’re going to be out for a few hours even after getting a full night’s sleep.

Listen to “good 4 u” on repeat

Grace announced the results of your votes for the song of the summer yesterday, and I don’t think anyone was surprised that this absolute banger of a song won. Anyone who claims to hate the song is a straight up liar, so if you’re home alone for the day, it’s inevitable that “good 4 u” will be played at least seven times. You’ll sing every single word and fucking love it.

Play with yourself

Sure, you’ll do this even if people are in your house, but being alone means that you have the chance to really romance yourself. I’m not totally in understanding of the female masturbation schedule, but I feel like home alone is when you guys would get after it. Light a candle, ditch the AirPods, and take your time? The home alone masturbation is more than just cranking one out. It’s a whole experience, and you should make sure you enjoy it. Also, I felt like this blog wouldn’t have been true to my brand if I didn’t mention masturbation.

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Written by TFM

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