Yesterday I graduated from college. What’s even more shocking than a kid who’s been working for TFM for two years making penis jokes and describing in detail drinking behavior that some may consider “dangerous and irresponsible” graduating on time and with some decent academic success, though, is the fact that I am now gainfully employed. With four years of college under my belt and a career making more penis jokes on the internet, I thought I’d share some wisdom for those of you entering the adult world with some great ways to impress during a job interview.
1. Show Up Late
Job interviews are all about making them want to hire you, and in order for that to happen, it’s essential to demonstrate that you are needed. Showing up late shows this potential employer that you’re a busy guy – so busy, in fact, that he’s going to have to wait for you to get done with your obviously more important other engagements. It also sets the tone that when you inevitably get hired, you’ll do whatever the hell you want.
2. Assert Your Dominance
You’ve gotta show these people that you’re going to be the top dog. This will provide them with the reassurance that when hired, you’ll know how to run things, so the second you get there, do something that shows just how powerful you are. I recommend taking a steaming dump right on the carpet if you’ve got one in the chamber. If there’s no poop to be pooped, though, punching the interviewer directly in the face is a good second option.
3. Turn the Interview Around
Let’s face it, this joker that’s going to be asking you questions is going to end up working for you pretty soon, so it’s more important that he impress you if he wants to remain employed down the line. Sometimes this causes a little bit of controversy because people are usually very unwilling to relinquish power, so if that happens, don’t hesitate to break out every ounce of profanity you’ve got in that incredibly intelligent brain of yours. It’ll shut that loser on the other side of the desk right up.
4. Take the Job
At this point in time, the interview will be coming to a close, and if you were anyone else, you’d have to ask for the job. But you’re not anyone else. So don’t wait around for these HR people to make an offer or not, you tell them that you’ve decided to be hired. This rules out any possibility of them not offering you the job, and it shows that you can take initiative, a very valuable trait in an employee.
5. Take A Vacation
Now that you’ve gotten your job and a handsome salary which you decided on, it’s time to take advantage of the months worth of vacation time you’ll have given yourself (paid vacation, of course). Going in there and kicking ass like that will have taken a lot out of you, so you deserve some time to relax. If anyone has a problem with it, drop your shorts, point down, and tell them to take a suck on those meaty clackers of yours.