“Sweet Caroline” The Whitest Song Ever

I don’t care if I get hate. Fuck Sweet Caroline. This is one of those songs that is played at every party anytime after 1 am to give the white people in the room a second wind. If you don’t believe me look at this tweet of the whitest crowd ever:

This song either helps or hurts your night. The second that you hear it you are rejuvenated at a party. Suddenly that girl that has been dancing next to you for 5 minutes, completely unaware of your presence, turns your way and starts boastfully singing along as if she is defending CBD to her parents. “It’s not weed, it’s basically Advil”. This is the perfect ice breaker because… you can sing along too. Who can’t sing along to Sweet Caroline? 

But this song can also ruin your night. If you are already talking to a girl and Sweet Caroline comes on, they can be wistfully pulled out of frame by a hand to dance with their fucked up friend, and you are left behind like an orphan being returned to a doorstep. 

I know we all put on faces and up our personalities at parties, and I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with is how fucking popular this song is and how no one accepts how stupid it is. Anytime I see someone singing out loud to this song I want to shoot my already dead dog. I guess I hate it because… who doesn’t know the words to Sweet Caroline?! Do you think it’s impressive that you are able to sing along to “BA BA BAAAA”? Are you proud of your physical and mental capability to drunkenly articulate the official White Girl Siren? 

It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. That song is only enjoyable when you are drunk. Because it’s only HEARD when you are drunk. Anytime you hear that song sober you don’t think about how great it is… you think about how you were drunk the last time you heard it. Could you imagine listening to Sweet Caroline anytime before 10 pm? Kill those people. Let’s bring back guillotines for the sake of killing anyone that listens to Sweet Caroline sober before 10 pm.

Good luck getting this song out of your head now…

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The “WOO Girls” of Nashville