Men, contrary to societal belief, are constantly thinking about stuff. We’re not just animals who blindly move from food to masturbation on a repeat cycle. We have lots of different ideas, questions, and even revelations that relate to so much more, like boobs. On an almost daily basis, every dude will have these ten thoughts:
“I can afford to eat out.”
You really can’t afford it, but that’s not going to stop you from ignoring the chicken and rice in your fridge and heading to Wendy’s instead.
“Is it too early to jerk off again?”
It’s been about two and a half hours, and you just watched a particularly arousing Instagram reel. Because you’re a man of science, you decide to test your hypothesis that no, it isn’t too early.
“Why isn’t Livvy Dunne dating me?”
The answer is your lack of fame, money, and looks, but we all convince ourselves that it’s just because she’s never had the opportunity to meet you.
Seriously, look at her and then open your front camera. It’s not happening.
“I love women.”
This is usually said while admiring any set of boobs. Or after you see a string of snap stories in which girls are showing off their bikinis because it’s summer. That’s always a boat load of fun, isn’t it?
“I hate women.”
This usually comes when you receive a fourth consecutive ceiling fan Snapchat from the girl that’s only interested in you when you’re offering to pay for her drinks.
“I could do that.”
It doesn’t matter what you’re referring to – MLB player robbing a homerun, guy chugging a beer really fast at a bar, or some dude hammering out one armed pull ups – you could do it. We clarify to ourselves that we’d need a little time to get back in shape, but nothing is ever out our reach.
“She wants me.”
A thought that pops into our heads when a woman of any kind gives us the slightest bit of attention over the amount that is necessary. Nurse in the doctor’s office laughs at your joke? She’s probably about four seconds away from stripping right here in the exam room.
“I could go for a beer.”
It’s what I’m thinking to myself right now as I eye the clock and pray for the end of this work day to come way sooner.
Don’t let the haters tell you different, king. Sure it’s the fourth time you’ve used a “That’s what she said” joke at the dinner table this week, but that doesn’t make it any less funny.
“That looks like six inches.”
It’s not. I’m sorry to tell you. Stay away from rulers and tape measures for a while. It really helps keep this lie going.