Drinking is awesome, probably one of my favorite things to do ever! Nothing beats getting back home from a long day of class on Thursday and just slamming a Bud Light to get the weekend started. In my years of drinking though, my palate has acquired a taste for the elite tier drinks, like the ol’ reliable Bud Light, and Michelob Ultra (my personal favorite). Granted, in my younger years, I definitely had my fair share of so called “bitch drinks” as well. I personally wouldn’t wish that phase on anyone, so today I’m breaking down the top four drinks you SHOULDN’T drink if you’re a dude over the age of sixteen.
4. Twisted Teas
I have a personal soft spot for Twisted Tea’s, as that was my bitch drink growing up. If you’re in high school and drink Tweas, go for it, be my guest, but once college hits, only drink it straight from the bag. Twea bags are lit, and if you kill one yourself, you’re the fucking man. If you sip Tweas on the regular though, you probably don’t like beer because “it tastes bad.” Grow up dude, just drink more!
3. Smirnoff Ices (with an exception)
UNLESS you’re getting ice’d by one of your buddies and have to send one of these down your throat like an OnlyFans model who needs a quick thousand into her bank account, please don’t drink these. Sure, they’re five percent alcohol, but they’re also like 150% sugar, so you’re just asking to zombie out the next day. Just drink a Whiteclaw or something, it’s the same concept but with bubbles!
2. Mike’s Hard (Yes, all of them)
On a real, these aren’t even that good. If you’re a guy who drinks Mike’s Hard, you probably find yourself struggling to do basic athletic activities and likely read Colleen Hoover books. There’s a common theme with most if not all drinks in this list, that being the sugar in this drink is gonna leave you with a disgusting hangover the next day if you drink enough. Save yourselves the headache, people.
1. Seagram’s Escapes
These just aggravate me, honestly. Do they taste really good? Yeah. They only have like 3.2% alcohol though, which is like, BEYOND low. The average adult male would have to drink about 23 of these to get a buzz going, and you’d probably be able to drive home later that night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone actually get drunk off of Seagram’s Escapes. If you drink these, you probably describe drinks with ACTUAL alcohol in them as “yucky” and gag whenever you smell a shot of vodka.
All in all, as good as those sugary sons-of-bitches taste, they’re expensive and pretty feminine. No shame in that, but like, come on! Beer’s good if you just drink one or two. Alcohol isn’t supposed to taste like there isn’t any, you know? Maybe if you let your first pubes grow in before you drink, you’ll stop picking up those black cherry flavored Mike’s Hard’s from the liquor store. I don’t condone underage drinking, and drink responsibly!