Alex Becker
This weekend is Father’s Day. A time to celebrate the one man in your life who truly matters. Sure, he may not know when your birthday is, or your girlfriend’s name, or even where you went to high school, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Unless you were abandoned as a child, then yeah, he probably doesn’t love you and it’s best you stop reading this because it’s just gonna bum you out.
Father’s Day is a time to celebrate the things that dads are good at like making sure the air conditioner is always at a price-efficient temperature, teaching you how to play catch, and accidentally saying slightly racist things in public. Without your dad, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. That man not only taught you everything you know, but he also protected you. Remember that time you fell off your bike because dad lied and said he wouldn’t let go? Who was the one that told you to walk it off? Not mom, she wanted to give you a band-aid and some cream that would make the pain exponentially worse. What if an intruder broke into the house? Do you have a metal baseball bat from 2002 underneath your pillow? Didn’t think so.
Think of all the sacrifices your dad has made to give you the life that you love so much. He could have followed his big dreams of playing bass in a heavy metal band with his boys TJ and Scooter, but no instead he is a fucking accountant. And why? So that he can afford to send you to school just so that you can waste your diploma trying to be the next biggest Youtube star. Don’t you think your father would also like to be in college, skipping class to rip puff bars, Chipotle, and Fifa all day? I bet he would, other than the fact that he has never watched soccer because he “doesn’t get it.”
So go out to Lowe’s or Home Depot and get your pops something nice to show him how much you truly appreciate him. Maybe he’d like a shovel or some sandpaper, who knows? Not like dads have very many interests outside of golf and cargo shorts. I heard wheelbarrows are making a huge comeback this summer, so maybe get one of those. Doesn’t matter what it is, just something that shows you care and comes with a receipt.
This Sunday is also a good time to appreciate that you yourself aren’t a father yet. I mean, I know I just wrote a lot about how dads are great, but let’s all be thankful that we’re not at that point in our lives. We’ve all had close calls. I myself have not had very many (partly because I always wrap it up, but mainly just due to lack of attempts), yet even I understand the great feeling of relief that $50 at CVS can buy.
So I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is be thankful. Be thankful for the man that raised you, be thankful that you won’t take his job for years to come, and be thankful that when the time does finally come when you’re the one being celebrated women will have fought so hard to be equals that it will be your job to buy groceries and hire a foreign lady to clean the house.
