Mailman Dave
Regardless of what you call it, chew, dip, dipper dan, chaw; if you chew tobacco, you know some dips hit better than others. I’m using my 12 years of chewing as my research.
12. Your Very First Chew
For most people, this goes horribly wrong. Seconds pass after you get peer pressured into throwing a fat dip in, your head is swimming, your stomach is flipping, you’re sweating profusely, and you feel like you’re going to pass out. You try to power through it, but you get too sick and take the chaw out. This isn’t what happened to me; I can still remember the first time I tried chew. I was 14 and on my way home from school. I was sitting in the very back of the bus with kids mostly older than me. For weeks I watched them chew for the entire 40-minute bus ride, and one day I finally grew the balls to ask for one. The junior I asked said yes, and I took a pouch of mixed berry and rested it between my lip. I instantly felt the intense buzz, but I didn’t feel sick even with the twists and turns of the bus. When it finally my turn to get off the bus, I took the chew out, tucked the bottle deep into my backpack, and tried to walk up the bus. I had to hold onto each seat as walking the bus was like walking on a boat on the Deadliest Catch. I finally made it into my house, and all I could do for the next hour was sit on my couch.
11. The First Chew After Working Out
Regardless of whether you actually worked out or just got done playing a sport, everybody knows the feeling after you put a chew in. You are dying of thirst, you have super bad cottonmouth, and you think having a chew will be a good idea for some reason. WRONG, that cottonmouth is worse now. The chew is just sitting in your mouth getting drier, and you can taste the chew, but you don’t even need to spit. It’s just hanging out in there. Does it even fulfill your addiction? Who knows, but you’ll be dumb enough to pack one after every workout.
10. Having To Sneak A Chew
Everybody who chews knows this feeling. Either your parents don’t know you chew, your significant other doesn’t know, or you’re trying to sneak a chew during class, or you’re in a public space where you can’t spit. For years I would sneak dips during high school. The key is to have either a coffee cup or a dark Arnold Palmer bottle to spit in. It would be best if you pretended like you’re taking a drink, except every time the bottle touches your lip, you spit. The key to hiding any chew is making sure that your dip is way back in your mouth. You want the tobacco to be touching your wisdom teeth. If you can’t spit, you need to man up and start gutting it. Remember, spitters are quitters. If your significant other doesn’t know you chew, you’re playing a risky game. Either you’re always going to be pissed when you’re craving a chew, and you’ll start looking forward to when you’re alone, or you’ll try to sneak it, and they’ll find out sooner or later. They always find out.
9. Convincing Your Buddy To Have Their First Chew
Trying to convince your friends via peer pressure is what everybody does in high school. The only reason that this isn’t number 11 is that for a brief second, you’re having a dip with the boys. It doesn’t last long as they start feeling the symptoms of having their first chew. Somebody ends up throwing up, and if you’re with people with weak stomachs, it can turn into a disaster.
8. Chewing While Taking A Dump
We can all admit that taking a dump feels great; you know, what makes that even better is having a chew in. This goes with having to sneak a chew. Sometimes the only time you can sneak away from your significant other is while on the toilet. If you’re not into blumpkins, then you shouldn’t have to worry about getting the door busted in. Chew dumps also take me back to high school, where I swear that every bathroom was filled with kids packing dips and not actually taking a shit. This takes a little skill to spit in between your legs, miss your dick and balls and get your spit actually in the toilet. Don’t spit too much, or you’ll have splashback, and it’s not fun to have shit water splash on your cheeks.
7. Drunk Chews
Drunk chews are either great or go horribly wrong. If you’re not an experienced chewer, it’s a recipe to throw up instantly. You can’t handle the extra buzz that it will give you, and you’re so drunk that you forget to spit and gut your chew on accident. You’re taking huge sips of beer, and it’s mixing with your chew, and you’re so drunk you don’t realize that you have chew floating in your mouth and then down your throat. If you an experienced chewer, then drunk chews are great. It doesn’t matter how much I have chewed or how many tins of Grizzly straight I bought drunk darts are always superior.
6. Shower Chews
This one goes back to sneaking chews, and taking a dump chew. The big difference is that you don’t need any spitting skills to avoid your dick or balls. While you’re contemplating your life in the shower you can spit wherever you want as long as it’s close to the drain you’re good. Sure spitting all over your shower can seem like a dirtbag move, but the water will wash everything away.
5. Having A Chew While Playing Baseball
It doesn’t matter if you’re playing varsity or playing in the old man softball league. Having a chew while playing baseball is great. You feel like such a badass as you’re in the batter’s box, and in between pitches, you’re spitting at the pitcher. You feel like you’re the alpha. Even though most MLB players don’t chew anymore, they still have a shit ton of sunflower seeds flying from their mouths. There’s a reason why in The Sandlot, they are all so excited to try chew.
4. Any Chew Outside
It doesn’t matter what you’re doing outside, having the freedom to spit where you want is great. You can be hunting, and you have to do the silent chew, but it’s great. Fishing while chewing great; you give the fish some extra nutrients as you spit in the water. I normally chew Grizzly straight, but during the summer, I’ll chew Red Man. There’s something about the long tobacco, throwing in a mouth full and chewing on it that makes it great to be outside during the summer.
3. First Chew In The Morning
You wake up in the morning, and the addiction calls you first thing. You pack a dip before even brushing your teeth. If you’re on a budget, you might have to reuse that morning chew after brushing your teeth. Mint and chew together isn’t exactly the best combo. The first chew of the day hits a little different and can maybe even give you a little buzz that you haven’t felt in a while. If you miss out on your morning chew, your entire day can be ruined.
2. After You’re Done Eating Chew
There’s something so satisfying to pack a big dip after you just got done eating. I don’t know why there is probably some science bullshit, but all I know that it’s great. Sometimes it’s worth eating something to have that satisfying chew afterward. This one is so great that I don’t really know what to say, but if you chew, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
- A Chew With The Boys
Regardless of what age you are, packing a dip with the boys is great. If you’re inside, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, watching tv, playing video games, drinking; it’ll be better with chew and the boys. If you’re outside, you can have a spitter in the middle of the boys, and you hear the satisfying ting of the spitter being hit. Even if you’re one of the people who say they’ve quit saying let’s have a chew with the boys, they’ll give in. Adding with the boys will peer pressure anybody.
