The 4 Greatest Fears In Every Man’s Life

Young Asian pregnant woman looking down and holding her bump thoughtfully by window in modern living room on a sunny day.

Getting A Girl Pregnant:

Until you’re in your thirties when your friend hits you with the “so and so is pregnant,” your natural response is, “oh shit dude, what are you going to do?” and even then, it might slip out. I respect all viewpoints on childbirth. Whether you want to end up living in a $225,000 house in Tyler, Texas with shitty rustic decor, or make the beat and murder it Casey Anthony style, it’s your decision and your consequences to live with, not mine. But the thought of getting a girl pregnant is terrifying. Life isn’t an episode of The Office, and most of us are smart enough to know this, there isn’t some romantic story at a company retreat, I’m not Jim(I’m a guy that failed two Anthropology classes and know…like a half-Jewish girl that really likes Killing Eve). 

Somebody Walking In On You Dancing In Your Room:

The most vulnerable moment in a man’s life isn’t when he expels the toxic goo the morning after a hangover; it’s when he thinks his roommates aren’t home and he’s listening to music on full volume in his room. I cannot imagine how embarrassing it would be if people knew what the song Dear Maria does to me privately. I would never show face again.

Losing In A Fight After Talking Shit:

Hand up, yeah. There’s nothing more shameful than being the main instigator of a fight and then proceeding to lose said fight. Both my Irish and Italian brethren can relate to talking more shit on a kid than Jeff Passan is currently doing to Rob Manfred and then finding yourself on the ground hearing the words “you thought so” while you’re getting kicked. You want to see Kicking and Screaming Part Two? Go out with a five-six kid named Kevin and start talking shit at Applebees on a Tuesday.

Your Girlfriend’s Dad:

I’ve gotten the opportunity to talk to many famous people through this job, most of whom did not like me, but I never really felt all that nervous. They are people like you and me. But I once had a girlfriend who was close with her Dad (not usually my type), but I would get more flustered talking to this man than a Fresno Almond farmer when you say the word water. I would go full Mimzy. My future wife’s Father could be the chillest person in the world, and I would still fully believe that 15% of him wants to beat the shit out of me. 

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