TFM
There isn’t a single Sloan on the face of this planet who’s below an 8. Not one. Not a single Sloan in existence, or throughout history, is unattractive. I don’t know why it works out this way, but it does. It’s an exact science. When two parents find out they’ll be having a baby girl, and they decide to name her Sloan, they’re essentially saying right then and there, “This baby will grow up to be a fine piece of ass one day.” It’s weird, I agree.
Sloans are too good for you, partly because you’re a scumbag, but mostly because Sloan knows she’s a Sloan, and Sloans knows Sloans are so hot that they’re untouchable. They’re prissy and stuck up, a little bitchy even. But goddamn are Sloans sexy.
This list isn’t about which names are the hottest, but actually which names end up belonging to the hottest girls. I can’t say for sure that the name Sloan itself is a hot name, but every Sloan happens to be hot, therefore that name belongs to hot girls at a higher rate than any other. Make sense? Good.
There are many hot names for girls, and these are the 45 hottest:
45. Devon – would be a lot hotter if she didn’t try so hard to fit in with the guys
44. Jackie – spends a lot of time balling in the rec center (will cross you up), which is weird, a little bigger than you like, but still looks good
43. Amber – knows how to dance seductively and does it regularly with her equally hot friends
42. Kate – a natural beauty who doesn’t have to try hard to be hot, gets ready to go out in 5 minutes
41. Danielle – skinnier than you usually go for, but an overall package that can’t be denied
40. Jessie – wears nothing but oversize tees and Norts, which is annoying – dress up for me one time
39. Stephanie – went from a 7 to a 9 after that boob job graduation gift from Dad
38. Sophia – full figured with darker skin, probably Italian, a fire cracker
37. Courtney – has a pair of blimps that could take out the eastern corridor’s entire power grid
36. Stacey – tall drink of water with T.Swift legs
35. Allison – goes by Ali, doesn’t stand out in a group but has an attractive personality that takes her to the next level
34. Molly – smokes a lot of weed and hooks up on the reg
33. Grace – hottest girl from your high school graduating class, went to a big state school
32. Lacy – has a tattoo she regrets and works at Twin Peaks, but that ass won’t quit
31. Bridgette – a daddy’s girl who’s looking for any opportunity to rebel and let her freak flag fly
30. Natalia – a blonde with an eastern European vibe, or possibly actually from eastern Europe
29. Elizabeth – goody two-shoes who owns bows and actually wears them out in public for some reason
28. Kelly – tight package, probably a former cheerleader, All-American looks
27. Haley – went through a nose ring phase and has a questionable tattoo, also has an ass for days
26. Shelby – even though she’s an alcoholic, Shelby is attractive, also likes to party and goes by “Shelbs”
25. Whitney – goes out a lot just to dance with her girlfriends, blows off guys who approach her
24. Riley – girls with guy names, there’s just something about them
23. Paige – click for evidence
22. Lindsay – one of the guys who is always around, but it’s cool with everyone on account of her good looks
21. Maria – some Latin flavor with a lot of backside
20. Lauren – drinks a ton of beer yet somehow maintains a great body
19. Heather – flaky and ditzy but is a flirt and looks good in a bikini
18. Caroline – everyone knows Caroline’s a prude, don’t waste your time, but damn girl
17. Michelle – seems pretty tame on the surface but is a low-key freak with a sneaky hot body
16. Holly – has USDA certified prime beef yammers and she knows it
15. Candice – the name of possibly the hottest woman on earth belongs on here
14. Emily – a stacked brunette who makes good grades
13. Jordan – your second cousin who’s so hot that you’ve thought about hittin it on the low
12. Meagan – just a stupid hot body who flaunts it every chance she gets
11. Brooke – a pageant girl with big hair, also a prude who tells people she’s sassy, but really she just sucks
10. Taylor – in a top-tier sorority with a bunch of girls who look exactly like her
9. Ashley – there are so many Ashleys in this country, and so many of them seem to be scorching hot
8. Madison – our CEO gets enough shit for having a girl’s name, but at least it’s a hot girl’s name
7. Samantha – goes by Sam, wifey material with a classic look
6. Savannah – your quintessential southern belle who’s a lady in the sheets and a freak in the sheets
5. Claire – country club hot with a judge for a father, a low-key sexual monster
4. Kennedy – new money hot, drives a white Range Rover, does a lot of coke
3. Reagan – might as well group the two ex-U.S. presidents’ names together, both are equally hot
2. Blaire – gorgeous princess type who’s not an easy nut to crack
1. Sloan – see above.
You left out Florie, the Cuban Zeta who will fuck anything that claims to be pre-med
Get over it. I always knew you were gonna be a loser bitch forever.