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The 5 Types Of People You “Grab Food” With

Large group of university students communicating while eating sandwiches on a lunch break at cafeteria. Focus is on brunette woman.

The Gym Rat

The only reason they want you with them is to show off how much chicken and rice they can fit on a plate as they tell you how easy or hard it is to lift stuff. They always have some story to say and never listen to your response. Anything you say to them is immediately met with a “yea well I actually…” They wander around the cafeteria looking for the healthiest and most shit-tasting foods you have ever seen. They also make you feel like shit for what you eat and may even mention it “ah man I would kill to be eating pizza right now” or “I remember my ice cream phase”. The conversation comes to an end after your second helping of fries and their third helping of something green you don’t know the name of.

The Social One

Their whole purpose is to prove to you and the entire campus how many people they know. Their eyes dart around the cafeteria looking for the next person they can shout a name at so it’s known to everyone around him that he has friends. You cannot go anywhere with this person alone. The table slowly starts filling up with unknown people that you are now forced to talk to while trying to find the right time to leave. You also hate them because they always seem to dress up just to get food. Why is this guy wearing a polo, vest, and khakis on Sunday in January? They care way too much about how they look when going to eat. All the nodding and responding to things slowly kills me inside. 

The “Ran Into”

You are walking home after a 3-hour lab that you understood maybe 5 sentences of. The last thing you want is to be anywhere but your dorm so you can wallow in your stupidity while eating alone. Then out pops this guy. “Hey, where you going?… I was also just about to grab food let’s go” you are then mentally and physically dragged into a situation you want nothing apart of. They pull you back across campus because they “hate eating alone. What kind of psychopath hates eating alone? You don’t hate the guy, you just don’t want to eat around people right now. You would rather get a personal pizza and eat it out of the box in the dark while watching Netflix like a fucking Ninja Turtle.

The Quiet One

YOU hit this guy up to grab food because you think it will be his last meal. You invite him out to eat and make this connection for the security of not being in a suicide note… again. You do most of the talking while he eats cereal at 8 pm. You talk to him like you would a girl at a party next to the keg, asking about his major and what he “plans to do with Sociology”. Nothing is really accomplished but a couple of awkward silences and fake plans to hang out again.

The Lunchroom Vibes

It doesn’t matter how shitty of a mood you were in because eating with this guy takes you back to the middle school and high school lunch table. All of those memories of joking around, quietly roasting people, and eating very little because of too much laughing are back as you very obnoxiously have a conversation. It doesn’t occur to you until after the meal that anyone within a 50-foot radius could hear everything you said, but who cares? You made a new friend.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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