Odds are you’ve crossed paths with one, if not all, of the following people I’m about to describe. This list isn’t meant to offend, but rather to educate, so don’t sink into denial if you start to recognize some shared qualities between what I call “The Stormtrooper” and yourself. With that being said, here are the five worst people you’ll see at a party.
The Spitter (No, Not That Kind)
Easily in contention for the douchiest guy at the party, not only will you hear the Spitter from across the party, but you’ll be able to smell the exact liquor he was drinking as well. Every time I’ve had the pleasure of talking to a Spitter, I leave the party looking like I just spent a full day at the local waterpark. The thick concoction of saliva and Pink Whitney that spews out of their mouth makes a brief conversation feel like an eternity, easily making them one of the most unpleasant breeds of partiers.
The Emotional One
Everyone handles their liquor differently, and sometimes one too many drinks may cause some built-up tension to release all at once. But, to be frank, no one really cares about that one fight you had with the ex from your sophomore year of high school. If you’re close friends with “The Emotional One”, you’ve most likely never fully enjoyed a party without sporadically becoming an extremely under-qualified therapist. For everybody’s sake, let’s all try to leave our baggage at the door.
Now, if you’re a consistent DD, hear me out before you get your panties in a bunch. Most DDs are angels, truly. The party couldn’t go on without you. However, some DDs believe that if they can’t have any fun, neither can anyone else. These people make a conscious effort to suck the life out of you (not in a good way). If this type of DD ends up being your last resort, the overpriced Uber will be well worth it.
If you’ve never been to a party while in a relationship, let me give you a glimpse into what you’re missing out on. Throughout the night, you’ll get separated from your significant other. During this period of separation, you might run into the overly-flirty “Home-Wrecker”, and as soon as you start getting hit on, your significant other magically reappears. Have fun dealing with that for the next two weeks.
Parties are meant to be fun and exciting, which can cause some people to come out of the gates with a little too much speed. “The Stormtrooper” is someone who does just that, commencing their night with an incredibly unsustainable pace that leads them straight to the toilet within the hour, if they don’t blackout on some sort of furniture item first. Being a Stormtrooper is the worst. Not only do you lose any chance of getting lucky, but your next twenty-four hours are ruined. Don’t let the dark side tempt you.