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The 5 Worst Things About Public Gyms

Unless you’ve got a full gym inside your home, I’m pretty sure you’ve worked out at a public gym at one point in your life. Whether it’s Planet Fitness or your college rec-center, I think it’s safe to say we all would rather work out in private. But that option is pretty rare, and the ever-growing beer belly isn’t going to get rid of itself. When it comes to working out, a lot of us just take what we can get, but some things at public gyms just flat-out blow.

Unidentifiable Fluids

How hard is it to wipe down equipment after you use it? I mean, I seriously can never tell what exact fluid is douching the bench I’m about to use. Hopefully it’s just sweat, but with the clientele at some of these public gyms, I’m not ruling out anything. Unless people begin to change their ways and just take five seconds to wipe down equipment, I’m gonna start getting STD tested after each visit to my local XSport.

Elderly With No Shame

I could give you all plenty of horror movie recommendations, but if you want to get so terrified you lose sleep for multiple nights, walk into the men’s locker room at any public gym with your head tilted slightly down. I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve been subjected to the shriveled-manhood of a 77 year old guy who just spent two hours on the basketball court (at least he’s still a bucket though). It shouldn’t be that difficult to just throw a towel around your waist, but I guess I wouldn’t care either if I was a month away from being shipped to a retirement home.

Natty or Not? 

Sure, every gym has a couple roided-out meatheads, but I don’t mind them too much. However, what does bother me are the people who are so jacked that there’s no way they could be “natty”, but the fact that you can’t tell just makes you feel like a weak little boy. Even if they are natural, I write them off as juicers. “Who wants to be that big anyways?”, I mutter to myself as I fail their warm-up weight on squat.

Bench-Hoggers 

I don’t know a single guy who doesn’t like benching. There’s just something special about pressing an insane amount of weight up and down, over and over again. But at public gyms, there never seems to be a bench available unless you workout super early or super late in the day. Most often, a group of 7 prepubescent boys, who I call “bench-hoggers”, will huddle around a single bench and take turns pressing 55 pounds for three excruciatingly awkward reps. If you were planning on hitting chest that day, I’d advise you to call an audible and start doing some curls.

The Gym Crush 

Traditionally, seeing your gym crush while working out isn’t a bad thing, but if you really think about it, it might be the worst thing about public gyms in its entirety. Unless you muster up the courage to go talk to your gym crush, who always seems to be way out of our league, you just sit and stare creepily at her while trying to prevent your boner from popping out of your shorts. Maybe one day your crush will actually approach you, but in the meantime, listen to the all-wise David Goggins and stay hard (not in that sense though).

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Written by the godfather

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