We all know there are too many days of the week to drink EVERY night, so I thought I’d help by narrowing it down to just the best 7.
- Monday. Everyone hates Mondays, so why not make it better by getting shitfaced. You don’t have to conform to society’s rules of “oh this day is the bad day” fuck that make your own rules. Odds are none of your friends are going to go out with you, but you can have a nice relaxing night by yourself at Applebees thinking about how you should’ve smiled more in middle school. Drinking on Monday is like when your parents told you not to hang out with that one kid from school but you did it anyway out of spite.
- Tuesday. If you are like me, you hate those people that are always drunk or go out every day of the week. You probably think they drink too much, have a father on the school board, or major in sociology. But I think we are just jealous of the amount of ignorance and confidence it takes to not give that much of a fuck. In some ways, I envy these Tuesday Tyrants. I want to achieve that level of ego that will allow me to wake up Wednesday morning on a random person’s couch with no shirt on and do it all again. Drinking on Tuesday is like playing music out loud with your headphones while walking to class.
- Wednesday. Nobody NEEDS Wine Wednesday, but you do it anyway because you want that weekend taste of alcohol without actually going too hard. It’s a perfect night to spend on tinder with a Netflix show your friend told you to watch playing in the background. Drinking on Wednesday is like stealing from a thrift shop.
- Thursday. Thursday is the pregame drinking day. Morning beers, “5 o’clock somewhere” beers, shower beers, “why not” beers, any type of situation where having a beer would make your day better. Drinking on Thursday is like accidentally saying something mildly racist in front of a black person and then getting the biggest laugh of your life from him.
- Friday. Drinking on Friday is like sitting on your phone for an hour before getting out of bed… mandatory.
- Saturday. You wake up hungover Saturday morning wallowing in your thoughts of “what did I do last night?”, “oh, shit Jacks gonna hate me”, or “whose dog is this?”. You feel like shit but sometime during this day of anxious leg shaking you realize that it’s only Saturday and you got another “get out of jail free” night to make it right. You can go out with the same friends, apologize for what you did last night, find out it wasn’t that bad and try to top it tonight. Drinking on Saturday is like when you convinced your teacher to let you choose your own partners.
- Sunday. It’s fun to end the week thinking back on how well you controlled your drinking and that you deserve a treat. You didn’t drink EVERY night of the week… just the ones that matter. Drinking on a Sunday is like finishing that half-empty warm beer, you don’t have to do it but you’re not a fucking quitter.