Some might call him the twice-a-year friend, others an asshole, and a few the reason it hurts when she pees. But let’s just borrow Always Sunny’s terminology and call him the Wild Card. He’s clinically insane, but he also provided you with your best stories. He calls you once every six weeks, leading with a recap of his weekend making love to a diplomat’s daughter in a tent at Lolla, and ends the call pleading for a $115 loan. How can a guy constantly between jobs afford a long weekend in Chicago? You don’t know, but you give him the money knowing that there’s a Russell Westbrook contested mid-range chance you get it back. Whenever you ask him what he’s up to professionally, he uses the words “crypto” and “offshore” so often that you leave the conversation more confused than before. He’s the only guy you know that’s been to both East Hampton and a Louisiana state prison.
The Peyton Manning of your friends. Nothing comes naturally to this guy, but he works hard, and he’s pretty good at everything. He’s always in and out of two-year relationships, he’s a four Bud Light Platinums at the bar guy, and he’s helped you get out of quite a few pickles. He’s the call you make when you’re standing outside of a girl’s house in a Banana costume with throw up on it. If you ever have a son, you’d want him to be like this guy. In fact, this dude gets wildly underappreciated, especially after the shit you guys pulled in Vegas on him; you owe him a text.
The Short/Fat Funny Kid:
I’m Fat and Funny: Boob luges, farts, and outlandish Tinder stories. Girls love him (always as a friend), which is why he struggles deep down. By age twenty-five, he’ll finally try and get around to completing that new year’s resolution, but for now, he’s just the Chris Farley of your friend group. At any given moment, he’s got three fast food bags in his room, he Mcgregor’s the wall when the over doesn’t hit, and he can put down a rack individually.
He’s the biggest asshole in your friend group, but he means well. He’s the guy you have to explain to every girlfriend. He had a more challenging childhood than you, and he was able to hurdle many of the obstacles that came with a shitty hand. He’s a dick, but he’s a damn good friend.
The Hot Idiot:
How this guy is employed is beyond you. His numerical knowledge stopped as soon as “x” hit math class. He’s a great guy to go out with because girls will walk over to have a conversation with him, but his social skills are so bad that you genuinely think he could get a few seasons on TLC. When god was making him, he overpoured on looks, and there wasn’t much left for intelligence. His best shot in life is meeting a smart girl with a kink and starting a wellness podcast on her time. It sucks that R/jordanpederson members get the same action as him, but it’s his fault for not reading a book…ever.
As soon as that liquid wheat hits his liver, he’s talking foreign policy. He’s a smart guy, you trust his advice when it comes to history, but shockingly chicks educated at liberal arts schools aren’t exactly turned on when he’s screaming in their face about GETTR. Whoever your staunch republican friend is, he has powerful opinions on crypto. This guy argues for the love of the game. His dreams where he and AOC are in the same room are so vile that RealityKings wouldn’t even produce them. Hanging out with him always leads to you checking your phone to realize it’s four in the morning and you’ve been arguing about the Spanish Armada for three hours.
The Fringe Friend:
Popularized by “Friday Beers,” we all know this guy. His Mom was probably the type to make him wear sunscreen during a class field trip in March. Something about him makes you mad, but nothing really should because he’s super nice, and he’s down for whatever at any time. Something about his dumb face makes you grit your teeth, but he also offers to get the Uber every time you’re out with him.