I’m in a weird spot in my life that I’m sure many of you can relate to or will find yourself in soon. I still spend my weekends going to college bars, drinking too much, and not budgeting my money correctly, but I’m split between online classes and work meetings during the week. I have one pant-leg in ripping chops and wasting entire days playing MLB The Show and another pant-leg in networking and trying to develop a pallet for wine. I find myself flipping back and forth from Tik Tok and Linkedin with the ferocity of Ray Allen’s tongue after meeting an influencer off of Raya. It’s a very confusing period of my life where I feel like a centaur adjusting to adulthood, all while taking in the last carefree years of my life before I find myself riding shotgun a Honda Odyssey with two step-kids that I have to pretend to love.
My dilemma can be perfectly summed up with my download of Hinge this morning. While I still love nothing more than handshaking tongues with a nineteen-year-old girl in a basement that has the climate of Florida, it felt like the time to download a dating app besides TTinder. The Tinder that I once knew and loved is gone. The only hot girls on Tinder over the age of twenty are there for a self-esteem boost, or if you’re lucky to make somebody else mad. The rest? People that hated Dave Chapelle’s last special, heroin addicts and catfish- if you were born and raised in Oregon, you’re probably used to that population. Still, most of us didn’t grow up eating takeout from lesbian ice-cream shops and watching the Trail Blazers.
The following are seven generic questions from Hinge that I feel like most of us in my position answer one way while we really feel another.
- The key to my heart is…
Hinge Answer: Humor; I love a girl that can make me laugh.
Real Answer: I want a girl that thinks really fucked up shit is funny. I want someone that likes Tim Dillon but would rather gouge their eyeballs than watch Fallon. The type of girl that I’m afraid to run in front of when we go up the stairs because she’ll try putting a finger in my ass. Also, great head. Both are equally important.
2. My Typical Sunday is…
Hinge Answer: I try to watch every Eagles fan (what can I say, Go Birds!), but it’s not a big deal if I ever miss one. I’ll follow this by a run in the park.
Real Answer: I’m having panic attacks at the rate that Gruden emailed racial slurs- I truly believe that I’m going to die. In order to kick this, I beg my friend Tony for his prescribed Xanax. Tony has a gambling problem, it’s bad. After getting kicked off his past four books, he’s terrified that he might lose a finger to the Bulgarian mob if Russell Wilson doesn’t rush for twenty-five yards today. This causes us both to take a quarter bar. I wake up at 6pm after manically tweeting the address where the Eagles’ GM, Howie Roseman, sends his kids to middle school. Tony has barracked his house.
3. My Simple Pleasure Is…
Hinge Answer: Shopping at Trader Joes
Real Answer: Porn.
4. Two Truths & A Lie
Hinge Answer: I hate country music, I’ve seen Jersey Boys on Broadway, and I didn’t know how to tie my shoes for an embarrassingly long time
Real Answer: I have multiple relatives that I speculate to have believed in Q, I got cut from my eighth-grade basketball team, and my sleep apnea is so severe that every girl I’ve taken home has told me that they speculate I might die if it’s not resolved.
5. I know the best spot in town for…
Hinge Answer: To split a bottle of wine and feed swans
Real Answer: One of my more adventurous friends bought “special K” behind a nightclub a few blocks down. I think I have the guy’s number saved somewhere.
6. This year, I really want to…
Hinge Answer: read The Art of War
Real Answer: I’d like to kick Pop-Tarts out of my diet. I’ve found that the past few years, the morning diet of nicotine, coffee, and a Pop-Tart has given me diarrhea so severe my Mom has implored me to get consulted for IBS on multiple occasions.
7. Best Travel Story…
Hinge Answer: Eating live Calamari off the coast of Croatia
Real Answer: When I was twelve, I told my Mom that I was going to get sorbet for my little sister when we visited a beach in Spain. I got lost for three hours and walked two towns away, staring at the first real-life naked women I had ever seen. An Australian woman saw me crying on a bench and translated to the authorities. My whole family was worried that my Dad’s high blood pressure was going to be an issue.