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The Basic Fraternity Mixer Timeline

The Too Sober Show Up

You get to the house about a half hour before the party starts, and you realize almost immediately that you should’ve had more to drink before arriving. Now you’re stuck in the awkward limbo time of the mixer where all the guys stand around waiting for the party to actually start. That’s when it’s time to lock it in and find some more booze because you know that you lack all forms of confidence with women unless you’re sauced. 

The Sausage Fest

The first group of girls walks downstairs, and until the whole gang shows up, this is going to be an awkward couple of minutes. The music is blasting as if you’ve got a packed party, but the dudes outnumber the girls about seven to one for a good three or four minutes. A few of the braver souls are already conversing with your female guests, but you’re simply not ready yet. You can’t rush art.

The Bar Opens

Everybody finally shows up, and you’re one of the many that makes a beeline for the bar. You kill a cup of jungle juice right off the bat before refilling and getting ready to go work the dance floor. Everyone now has drinks in hand, and the dance floor is starting to get lively. Three songs play in a row that you don’t know, so you take the time to hit the bar again and refill on the liquid swagger.

The Dancing Begins

Sometime in the past twenty minutes, everyone started to feel drunk enough to get going, and you’re now showcasing your whitest dance moves to everyone there in the middle of a dance circle. Despite spilling ninety percent of your drink while doing the cabbage patch, you’re exuding raw sexual energy out there.

The Rounds

Now that the party is really in gear and you’ve had sufficient alcohol to do the worm across a floor that has been washed half-assedly for the past fifteen years, it’s time to do your circulations. You picked out a few possible lady options while you were doing the sprinkler, and now it’s time to see if they feel like being disappointed for four minutes straight later in the night.

The Bar Send

After striking out with every option you had, you decide that these girls just aren’t it. You’ll have way more success when you have the opportunity to spend the last fourteen dollars in your bank account on a Vodka-Cran for some lucky lady at the bar. After waiting in line for almost a full hour, you and a few of your boys enter on the scene ready to do some damage.

The Wake Up

You wake up the next morning alone in your bed with no recollection of what happened after you got into the bar. The negative balance in your bank account tells you that you bought more than one Vodka-Cran, and you have several unopened messages from numbers you don’t have saved asking, “Did you get home okay?” When you walk out of your room, there’s a kid you’ve never seen before sleeping in your hallway. You step over him to go take a piss before going back to bed to rest up for round two tonight.

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Written by TFM

One Comment

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  1. This filled me with so much delight remembering all the sticky floors and thursday/friday/saturday nights out! Except we always pregamed at home, with a beautiful monogrammed diy beer bong, because sorority girls keep it classy. You know. 😉

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