Alex Becker
Disclaimer: I chose not to mention the extremely obvious answers, including releasing any type of bodily excrement (there would be at least three on this list), waking up before your alarm and going back to sleep, and pulling up to the golden arches.
Making someone rage quit
It doesn’t matter if you’re playing against your best friend or someone in hospice care, there’s no better feeling than dominating someone in Madden so badly they throw a temper tantrum and start yelling at the game louder than your grandma using talk-to-text in a public space. The only thing better than talking shit to a random 9-year-old while you make 11 defensive adjustments, is watching your adult friend throw his controller at the ground harder than your penis the first time you saw the end of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.
Getting the Wordle on two
Sending your friends proof once every two months that you’re smarter than them is a real thrill! It’s the adult equivalent of asking someone their grade on a test just to tell them about your perfect score.
Realizing there is still Sunday Night Football
The late slate just ended, Scott Hansen is gone, and now you’re desperately clinging to every touchdown from every game just to delay starting that work that you put off all weekend. You check the book. Down. Bad. All hope seems lost. But wait! You remember that no matter how many people disagree or protest, the state of Texas always gets their way, meaning tonight, the Dallas Cowboys are on. You quickly convince yourself that you can do the work really quickly tomorrow morning and begin to craft. Now, hope has returned. It may come in the form of a +3900 same game parlay, and yes you may have too much riding on CeeDee Lamb to have 200 receiving yards and three touchdowns, but at least it’s hope and that’s something.
When someone asks what you ordered
I don’t mean when someone asks your opinion on what to order. I’m talking about when the food comes out and everyone looks around, someone sees your plate and realizes that they botched hard. There’s a wave of jealousy that passes over the table, and for the others, it may ruin their meal knowing they goofed up, but that only makes it better for you. Knowing you have what others want makes you feel wise and mighty like Jesus or the turtle from Kung Fu Panda.
Receiving an unwarranted compliment
Nothing compares to being credited with something you didn’t do at all or happened to do by accident. It may not occur often, but when it does it’s sweeter than old black lady sweet tea. Maybe you’ve been asked if you’ve lost weight after making absolutely zero change to your already non-existent workout regime and diet. Or possibly, your professor mentioned the essay you paid a sketchy Pakistani website to write for you in front of the entire class. Whatever the case, it’s always nice to build your ego without putting in any actual effort.
When your song comes on in the bar
Everyone has a jam. Whether you’re mid-conversation or standing alone in the corner, whenever you hear this song you stop whatever you’re doing and start singing. If you’re a freshman in college, this song is Dreams and Nightmares, but once you grow up and realize what real music is, it quickly becomes either Unwritten or Before He Cheats. Either way, this song is guaranteed to put you in a better mood than Brittany Griner when she smokes her first blunt outside of Russia.
