The Best Foods to Eat When You’re Completely Hammered

The party is over. The girls are gone. You’re shitfaced. You have no recollection of the night, are unsure if the person you hooked up with was a really beat chick or a really pretty dude, and can’t remember whether or not you have class tomorrow. Only one thing is certain: it’s time for eats. Here are the best foods to eat when you’re so blacked you won’t remember them.

Taco Bell

I mean, this one is obvious. Open late, taco 12 packs, and Baja Blasts. What else could you want? Taco Bell is cheap, delicious, and sure to help clear your stomach out the next morning. Sure, maybe Taco Bell isn’t the healthiest option, but who cares you deserve it after a long night. Did you manage to take home an absolute smoke show by telling her you’re Elon’s Musk’s son X Æ A-Xii? Congratulate yourself with a Cheesy Gordita Crunch! Oh no, you had a rough night where everyone saw you projectile vomit and then fall off a riser? That’s okay, nothing a Crunchwrap Supreme and some Cinnabon Delights can’t fix. So what if you don’t have a car for the drive-thru? Just crouch down and say you’re in a convertible, they’re Taco Bell employees not detectives.

Slim Jim

Never in a million years will you catch me eating a Slim Jim sober, but if I’m drunk and gots myself a hankering for some meat, I will rush over to 7-11 for a nice succulent meat stick. Do I know what type of meat it is? No and I don’t care. I assume it’s the whole farm including the farmer or whatever Michelle Obama took out of public schools. Either way, shit hits.

Dino Nugs

If you don’t want to leave the house and miss post-party stories with the boys, no worries, there are always Dino Nuggets. Are they more fun because of the shape? Obviously. Do they taste better? Oh yes. Could you eat them cold? If you want. You do you, man.

Ben & Jerry’s Pint

I recommend Tonight Dough or Half Baked, but you can never go wrong with a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s all to yourself. No need for a bowl, just grab yourself a spoon and go to town. Yes, you do need to eat the entire pint. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Bowl of Cereal

This is a classic. Embrace your inner man-child and get a big wooden spoon, a mixing bowl, a gallon of milk, and an entire box of whatever cereal you like. I like Trix or Cap’n Crunch but for those of you health nuts out there this will still work with your bitch ass Mini Wheats.

A Jar of Peanut Butter

If you were missing some of the supplies for the cereal or ice cream, this one’s for you. No utensils, no problem. Just crack open that jar, get a good fingy scoop, and have yourself a field day. So what if you make a mess? You’ve already peed yourself tonight, how could peanut butter make it any worse?

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker


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