The Best Forgotten Videos In Internet History: Homeless Joe

Since there’s 8 million people in this city, if you’re not getting laid, your a fucking asshole

It’s not like I fucking forgot how to get pussy because I fucking became homeless

Dude I’ll go over to any random girl here tell them I fucking love them, and I want to marry them just for fucking general recreational purposes

What usually dictates how long a girl will let you bunk up in her place?

It pretty much all depends on how good of pipe I lay

[talking about where he sleeps if he doesn’t fuck a girl]

On the sidewalk. On cardboard. I’m a fucking cardboard All Star

Daily Joe agenda…umm if I wake up with money in my pocket I go and buy two 4Lokos and I’m talking 5 o’clock…6 o’clock in the morning

How many outfits do you have, like how many ensembles?

I have four pretty good outfits

How many bad outfits do you have?

I have no bad outfits

I’m going to go drink this[talking about vodka he just bought with panhandling money] right now and get belligerently shitfaced and yell and people and fuck girls

I don’t even like to consider myself a bum

What do you consider yourself?

I don’t know…a Gypsy 

If I could just not do drugs or drink for a week, I could go get a fucking house but like how could you be homeless and not do drugs or drink

What would you tell the youth of America?

Never become like me…ever


Why?…this abstract lifestyle isn’t for everybody

First of all, your welcome for your next Instagram caption above. More importantly, there is so much we could all learn from this man. Being charismatic and confident is all you need to be the best at what you do. I know the video is dated, and there have been other viral homeless people, but no fucking homeless guy could ever be as good at being homeless as Joe. The finesse of stealing toiletries from CVS, getting drunk all day, then attempting to flirt with as many girls as it takes until one brings you home is so god damn admirable. It makes me so introspective…like while I was nervous as fuck not knowing the next move after buying a girl a lemon drop this motherfucker was bringing home 10x over the amount of girls the average college guy pulls in a year while rotating the four same outfits. Is he a douchebag? 100%. But I’ll tell you one thing, a city with thousands of rapists, pedophiles, sex traffickers, abusers, Mets fans, and worse, has more important menaces to society to deal with than Joe. He’s so picaresque. Like you want to fucking hate this guy, but I also hope he’s still out here five years later roaming the streets of New York distributing ghoneria. He’s the Robin Hood of clapping cheeks, the millennial Huckleberry Finn, except without passing the n-word around like it’s a puff bar in a Jeep playing BigBootieMix Volume 16. 

As to what he’s doing now? A story in two parts

And unfortunately

Cardboard All Star.

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