The many names for your penis often get underused, and that’s a goddamn shame because there are some truly great ones out there. Here are ten of my favorites:
The Thrill Drill
This demonstrates a ferocity and tenacity that will give women a fearsome desire of your little donger.
“You like what you see? Wait until you get a feel of my Thrill Drill.”
The Taco Warmer
This is somewhat specific, but in the right situation, it can be a good segue from Mexican food to sex.
“Maybe we could go and get some Chipotle, and after, I could show you my Taco Warmer.”
A romantic term, calling your weiner this will cause any woman to soak herself and immediately lock her bedroom door.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby. What do you say you let me poke you with Cupid’s Arrow?”
The Master of Ceremonies
Used in celebratory events or on formal occasions, this euphemism for your johnson denotes a sense of elegance.
“Let our intercourse commence. The Master of Ceremonies has arrived.”
The Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger
The opportunities to use this one will most likely be slim to none, but if you can work it in, you’re my hero.
“Ugh. This frozen yogurt dispenser is broken.”
“Good news, I’ve got a Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger that’s all yours.”
A One Flower Bouquet
A great way to get yourself out of a jam, using this term for your peen can be both suggestive and romantic.
“I’m sorry, babe. I know you wanted roses, but all I could manage was this One Flower Bouquet.”
The Old Pipe Cleaner
What a nice conversation change if your girlfriend is ever nagging you to get stuff fixed in your house.
“I’ll call the plumber tomorrow, but for now, let’s test out The Old Pipe Cleaner.”
The Thick Thermometer
A great one to use if your special lady friend is ever feeling a tad under the weather… particularly if she has a fever.
“Uh oh, girl, you feel warm. Maybe you should check your temp with The Thick Thermometer.”
The Vein of Valhalla
Sometimes it’s nice to go back to an older, more barbaric time when talking about your schlonger.
“Prepareth to have thine cooch invaded by The Vein of Valhalla!”
The Bald Butler
This is great if you’re trying to give the essence of sophistication and class. There are no servants at your house, unless you count this one.
“Morning, sunshine. Care for some breakfast in bed courtesy of The Bald Butler?”