Conall Lynch
We’ve all been there, you are at a party or hanging out with some friends and you just want to leave. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the people there, you just want to go home and watch Always Sunny for the 10th time. Other times it can 100% be the people there, whether it’s an ex or a person you hate, you just want to leave. If you are like me, you’ve had to deal with the “yo where did you go last night?” and been socially cornered trying to think of an excuse because saying “I just didn’t want to be at that place anymore” might rustle some feathers and no longer get you invited to things. Here are some sure-fire ways to dodge that question and allow peace of mind when you leave a party.
The Fake Phone Call
A classic. Either walk outside or away from a group of people, but close enough that they can still hear you and pretend to have gotten an important phone call. This can be from a girlfriend, parent, sibling, or another friend. The point is to make it seem serious enough that you have to leave, but not serious enough that they will ask specifics. “My girlfriend is being a bitch I have to go” “Tim went to the wrong house, I have to go get him” “my sister got arrested”. These are all situations that if you are asked the next day, a simple de-escalation of the fake event will do the trick. “No my girlfriend’s fine, one of her friends got dumped”, “yea Tims an idiot he was like a mile away so once I found him we said fuck it and went home”, “My sister is fine her party got busted she was sober though”. Depending on how well your responses are, your other friends will never bring this up again and you may even get some bonus pity points if you make yourself look good.
The Late Assignment
With how insane schools are right now this one works even better. Make up an assignment that you forgot to turn in and you need to do it now. Another great one is the “yea its a group project we were all waiting on this one kid and he finally did his part”. Either way, leaving to do homework is a great excuse that will most likely never get a double-take on. The only problem is, this is the easiest to get called out on as you only have a small window to pull it off. Past 11 pm, this excuse will not work. You have to do this as early as possible to make it seem legit. no one is buying a homework assignment you forgot to do at 2 in the morning.
The Fake Sickness
Pretty self-explanatory. Fake being sick. If saying “I’m not feeling well” does not work, you might have to up the ante. My usual is taking 2 shots then immediately running outside or to a toilet and throwing up. This one does take a little more planning as you can’t be at a party for 30 minutes and do this… no one will believe you got THAT drunk in 30 minutes. 1 hour minimum of socializing and publicly taking big swigs and then you can start your one man show. This may not be the best option if there are a lot of people you don’t know at the party, but if it’s just your friends you will be treated like a king as you walk out the front door wiping vomit off the corner of your mouth.
The Irish Goodbye
We all know this one. At some point in the second half of the party… just leave. Mission impossible that shit and sneak on out the back. Make sure there isn’t anyone outside, at least people you know that well, as you will be questioned by them. The key is to not give a fuck when people ask why you left. The response can be anywhere from “I don’t know” to “I had to leave” and any further questioning on their end can be met with the trademark Irish defensiveness “who cares?” “why do you need to know?”. Sure, you’ll damage some friendships so I wouldn’t pull this one too often, but it’s sporadically helpful for when you can’t come up with an excuse or truly don’t care.
