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The Birdlaw Report: Daniel Jones Needs Rehab, Matt Nagy Blue Balls, and More

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Ten takeaways from the ten games I watched. For idiots, written by an idiot. 

1. Matt Nagy let Bears fans buy him drinks all night, proceeded to grind on them when Salt Shacker by the Ying Yang Twins came on the speaker, and when the city of Chicago asked if he wanted to go home with them, he said, “I have a boyfriend, his name is Andy.” Enough with the teasing, Matt Nagy; the people want Justin Fields now. The city of Chicago already has a tyrant that wears oversized pantsuits and tries to Tweet enough rainbow emojis to hide the fact that you can’t buy a slice of their overrated pizza without getting shot. Watching the Rams offense compared to the Bears’ secondary was like putting Megan Fox next to a person who had been badly burned in a fire. I couldn’t come away knowing if Matt Stafford’s long ball is that sexy, or the Bears’ secondary is THAT bad. David Montgomery looked great, and as much as it sucks seeing Fields on the side-line, I think Bears fans can all agree that Dalton didn’t look bad. The Rams are a real deal contender; it will be interesting to see how they handle a secondary that doesn’t rival Sorority Philanthropy Football.

2. As a longtime Baker Mayfield supporter, his performance was a nice reminder that he’s more than Hulu’s version of Flo from Progressive. I walked away from this game convinced that the Browns hype train is very, very real. Jarvis Landry balled out, Myles Garrett took a break from falsely accusing people of saying racial slurs to pressure Mahomes, and Kevin Stefanski coached an almost perfect game. Cleveland walks away with the win if you take away a fumbled punt and the environment at Arrowhead Stadium. But…what can you say about the Chiefs that hasn’t already been said? The new offensive line looked better than competent, which was the prominent concern going into the season. Unfortunately for all of us not from Kansas City, I have a good feeling that Jackson Mahomes will be shaking his ass all the way to Super Bowl Fifty-Six.

PS. Ronnie Harrison didn’t need to do Charles from The Office like that.

3. I never understood why people doubted the Philadelphia Eagles so much this offseason, but as a Birds fan, I love it. Historically, every time Jalen Hurts gets told he’s not good enough, he feels the need to go the fuck off, which is exactly what he did against the Falcons. Despite Nick Sirianni coming across as a schizophrenic meth-head in his initial press conference, I think his playcalling today was enough to make people realize why Howie Roseman hired this guy. The Eagles defense looked great playing zone, and Philadelphia fans were reminded of just how good our football team can be with an offensive line that isn’t made up of guys next to a garage-sale sign that reads “take me.” Atlanta, on the other hand, looked bad. Very bad. Every time Matt Ryan started to get the offense rolling, another penalty would kill their mojo, like my eighth-grade girlfriend’s Dad chaperoning us at the movies. There were more flags flown during this game than a damn Panama City Trump rally. If you’re a Falcons fan, you just have to hope that the Braves lineup can get as hot as it was in August because it’s not going to be a fun football season. 

4. In solidarity with our President, the Jets offensive line let anybody that wanted to cross their border today. Looking at Zach Wilson’s stats today isn’t a true reflection on his performance. The kid was pressured sixteen times and with anywhere from five to eight drops, two of which were for thirty-plus yards. Oh, and his Mom is still really hot. Nevertheless, I think Jets fans can walk away from this game with the hope that in two or three years, this team is going to be great. As bad as it must’ve hurt watching Sam Darnold throwing a fifty-seven-yard touchdown to Robby Anderson, in the end, I think the Jets win the breakup. Even though Christian McCaffrey took his pants off and took a shit on my fantasy team, I can’t say I didn’t miss watching him get to the edge and make guys miss. I don’t know how good this Panthers team is, I can confidently say that the weird CGI performance at the beginning of the game was NOT, but I’ll be curious to see what their defense can do next week against New Orleans. 

5. Josh Allen didn’t look good; there’s no denying that. I also think that there’s no reason to overreact during week one of the season. The Steeler defense won this game. Games won on defense and special teams are never sexy, but football is football, so who are we to complain? If TJ Watt is reading this by the grace of God, please Venmo me for all the drinks I bought this weekend. You can spare a few bucks, my friend. A subway gift card works too. 

6. As good as Tyrod Taylor played, he paled in comparison to Deshaun Watson’s first half state line provided by CBS.

Trevor Lawrence’s first game was not as romantic as we all expected, but some other somewhat decent quarterbacks struggled in their openers as well.

As exciting as it may be to have THE GUY for the next ten to fifteen years, Jacksonville fans have to remember they won one game last year, and their defense has more holes than my fattest friend’s punch card for our local pizza joint. Watching the corpse of Mark Ingram rush for eighty-five yards made me nostalgic because I too peaked in 2016. As big of a dumpster fire as the Texans’ off-season might have been, they have enough veterans to get six wins, especially if Tyrod Taylor keeps playing like Joe Namath. For the Jaguars, you have to believe it’s only going to go uphill from here. I’m very curious to see whether or not Urban Meyer can handle losing or making like a girl at a bar when I tell them I’m a blogger and walking away after one drink. 

7. No, I’m not stupid enough to believe that Aaron Rodgers will continue to be as bad as he was today. Yes, I am stupid enough to buy into the fact that Sean Payton has made Jamies Winston a top-ten quarterback. Very sneaky move from the Saints to strategically pick playing in Jacksonville; too inconvenient for a Wisconsinite to travel to, and in a state where Aaron Rodgers has historically played below our expectations. It almost seemed like Aaron Rodgers came back to sabotage the Packers for fucking him over the past few years. I doubt he hosts Jeopardy if the Packers draft Justin Jefferson instead of Jordan Love. On a serious note, we can all agree that watching Jameis Winston play football is fucking awesome, right?

8. The Arizona Cardinals are a sexy, sexy team. I wouldn’t just swipe right on them; they are worth a super-like. The same way millions of football fans were inspired by seeing the first black-female referee in the Jets/Panthers game, Kyler Murray has the same effect on me as a five-eight male that stands on his tippy-toes in Instagram photos. He’s a human highlight reel.

I don’t think the Titans are a bad team, but you have to be concerned with that offensive line. Between Derrick Henry getting held to eight yards in the first half and Chandler Jones sacking your quarterback five times, it was reminiscent of my academic performance my senior year of high school post-college acceptance. As much as I like Taylor Lewan and his podcast, the whole “thanks for tea-bagging me for three hours” tweet was also a little weird. The Cardinals are a solid team, and DeAndre Hopkins continues to be a monster. 

9. It seems like Ja’Marr Chase can catch an NFL football just fine to me. The two above-average Joes on the Bengals’ offense and a miraculous-but-kind-of-suspect fumble recovery led the Bengals to an overtime win that their rookie kicker will remember for the rest of his life. Even though Kirk Cousins played decent today, if I’m married to the guy I’m making an AshleyMadison.com account yesterday. The Vikings seem to be in a purgatory of mediocrity. They are the Ted Mosby of football teams. Not bad enough to get a star in the draft, not good enough to seriously compete for a playoff spot.

10. Teddy Bridgewater is the Mitt Romney of quarterbacks. He’s safe, he’s conservative, and even though he won’t get Denver over the hump when it matters most, it will be close. Bridgewater did all Vic Fangio really expects from him despite a few uncharacteristically electric plays: keep the chains moving and let the Broncos defense go to work. In Pat Shurmur’s revenge game, the Giants played the football their fans have become accustomed to the last four years. Like most college students that look like Daniel Jones, it might be time to send him to outpatient rehab for his crippling addiction to fumbling the football. Just when the Giants were beginning to build momentum, Danny dime-bags couldn’t give up his fix. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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