I should’ve put canceled in quotes because at most 50 people were mad. A while ago, I wrote a satirical blog that had a lot of fraternity super seniors angry. The blog got me trending on a subreddit… which is the saddest sentence I’ve ever said, and got those people saying “TFM is full of boners”. They thought it was a 100% factual depiction of opinions rather than a silly blog written at TFM. See if you can spot any satire…
The 5 Unwritten Rules You Have With Your Roommate
- Only use headphones when listening to music. Unless we got friends over for a pregame or casual intercourse, I don’t want to hear any fucking music playing. Use some headphones or sing the song internally like a psycho. I don’t need to hear Twenty One Pilots and their petty new song about being too cool for the radio. Also, let’s keep that headphone volume at medium to slightly above medium because, at the end of the day, I care about you and your ears also, I can still hear if you’re blasting it through your AirPods.
- Jerking off allowed ONLY when roommates are not present. I know this sounds obvious but I have heard stories of people who jerk off at night even when their roommate is in the room. Their argument is either it’s night, he can’t hear me or you’re allowed to jerk off at night. What kind of psycho jerks off with another person in the room? Probably the same people who eat alone in the cafe with a winter jacket on even though its March. Fuck that. I only jerk off when my roommate isn’t there and I know he’s not coming back for at least another hour and 7 minutes.
- Headphones + laptop – mouth moving = don’t fucking talk to me. If that mathematical equation is physically present in the dorm room, then don’t bother me. Why? Because I am probably scrambling to do a 3-day assignment in 5 hours due to my crippling procrastination and I don’t wanna hear about what your ex posted on Instagram. Do you see Google Docs open? Do you hear the faint sound of Dua Lipa coming from my headphones? Good then shut the fuck up and let me get this C.
- No working out in the room. I never thought that this would happen but here I am. I don’t want to see you doing burpees in the corner of my eye while I’m trying to watch Community for the 5th time this year. If I have to stub my toe on another one of your “free weights” I will bash your skull in while you sleep with one of your 20 pounders. Take your Mac Miller playlist and awkward grunting to the gym like a normal person. We divided the room for a reason shithead.
5. No shirt, no booze, no respect. Unless you are wasted or just got out of the shower, you gotta have a shirt on. I don’t care how hot it is or how ripped you’re getting from those dorm room burpees you are the biggest douche ever if you just casually have your shirt off in a room that you share with another man. You can’t have “not wearing a shirt” as a personality. I don’t want my mom doing one of her famous unexpected visits, seeing you, and then having to divorce my dad all because you were a little toasty and don’t know what leg day is.