The Clean Pinch: Follow-Up

Well, it happened. In the past 24 hours I have accomplished a feat I wasn’t sure was possible. That’s right. Not one. Not two. Three clean pinches. In a blog from many moons ago, I talked about the clean pinch after I had hit two in one day, and I said that when I hit three I would let you all know. This is me staying true to my word. If you didn’t read that blog, here’s what you missed:

For any of my readers not fluent in the diverse and immense bathroom vocabulary I’ve been accumulating over my almost twenty years spent on this earth, I’ll explain to you the concept of the glorious and rare feat that is the clean pinch. It starts with the first wipe. You pull the paper out and, lo and behold, nothing. Not one iota of residue can be seen. This is where the excitement begins to build, but you can’t begin to celebrate yet. Many have fallen victim to the false assumption that their wiping is complete after only one try, but the thing about a clean pinch is that it takes two wipes to confirm that you actually did not have to wipe at all. This is due to the important nature of the second wipe. It’s not the friendly cuddly wipe that you open up the show with. No, this is the security wipe, which is done with no room for error. I like to wrap one more layer of TP than usual at this point for added security because I know that I’ll have to delve deeper than ever before, but I’ve heard that some pros will go for a Q-Tip up the grumper for maximum cleaning ability.

I’ve been disappointed by the second wipe on countless occasions. With the ferocity and intensity that comes with it, there almost always also comes residue, and that puts a stop to any hopes of a clean pinch. Once in a blue moon, though, the second wipe comes out clean, and this is when you can start the festivities because it means you have accomplished the clean pinch. Personally, I like to go and alert my roommates immediately. A clean pinch celebrated alone is pretty much pointless, so I make sure to get my boys in on the action. And if it was a particularly impressive demonstration, I’ll even send a text to all my friends and family at home to give them the ability to partake in my joy.

That was the description I gave, and now you OG readers know that I’ve truly made it in life. Thank you for all the support.

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Written by TFM

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