The Clean Pinch

With significantly less social interaction happening these days because of COVID and after having to watch that son kissing fuck Tom Brady win another ring, I find that I have to look for joy in the everyday occurrences of life, and there are few things that bring me more joy than sitting down every day to drop my morning steamer. I honestly feel like my day hasn’t truly begun until I’ve rid my bowels of everything that I consumed the day before, and I can say with confidence that my profound appreciation for these morning dumps – and dumps of all kind – has been recognized and rewarded by the universe. 

For anyone reading not fluent in the diverse and immense bathroom vocabulary I’ve been accumulating over my almost twenty years spent on this earth, I’ll explain to you the concept of the glorious and rare feat that is the clean pinch. It starts with the first wipe. You pull the paper out and, lo and behold, nothing. Not one iota of residue can be seen. This is where the excitement begins to build, but you can’t begin to celebrate yet. Many have fallen victim to the false assumption that their wiping is complete after only one try, but the thing about a clean pinch is that it takes two wipes to confirm that you actually did not have to wipe at all. This is due to the important nature of the second wipe. It’s not the friendly cuddly wipe that you open up the show with. No, this is the security wipe, which is done with no room for error. I like to wrap one more layer of TP than usual at this point for added security because I know that I’ll have to delve deeper than ever before, but I’ve heard that some pros will go for a Q-Tip up the grumper for maximum cleaning ability.

I’ve been disappointed by the second wipe on countless occasions. With the ferocity and intensity that comes with it, there almost always also comes residue, and that puts a stop to any hopes of a clean pinch. Once in a blue moon, though, the second wipe comes out clean, and this is when you can start the festivities because it means you have accomplished the clean pinch. Personally, I like to go and alert my roommates immediately. A clean pinch celebrated alone is pretty much pointless, so I make sure to get my boys in on the action. And if it was a particularly impressive demonstration, I’ll even send a text to all my friends and family at home to give them the ability to partake in my joy.

But yesterday called for more celebration than that associated with the standard clean pinch because it was probably the single greatest achievement of my entire life. At approximately 2:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, I hit a clean pinch – my second of the day. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the whiteness on the toilet paper after my first wipe, and if there were any shit left in my body, I think it would have exited in grand fashion when the security wipe also came up clean. I of course stuck to my normal routine of letting all my roommates know what just happened and sending texts to my family and friends back home, but I felt unsatisfied, which is why I’m writing this. I honestly can’t think of bigger news except for what I’m working for next: three clean pinches in a row. Updates to come. 

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Written by TFM

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