Henry Marken
Last week, I released an all-time cast of animals that many of us are comparable to… even if these animals weren’t necessarily all-stars themselves. Based on the positive reception as well as the flurry of emails informing me of the animals I didn’t include, I decided to create a second ecosystem of the Collegiate Animal Kingdom. The same rules apply, thus I will not be choosing from a draft of obviously awesome animals.
Round two.
Sheep: I don’t know what’s more infuriating about these people: the fact that they always got numbers because they move in herds or that somehow they still get invited to social events. There’s not one distinct trait about them other than the fact that they are good at copying others. They’re just a bunch of followers. They love posting screenshots of other people’s snap stories on their own stories, just so they can show us that there’s some inside joke going on. Bunch of trendy fucking idiots. Ironic, because they are the types of people that will drive any social trend right into the ground. Everything they do is copied: how they dress, how they talk, how they walk, how they laugh… yes even their laughs are doctored. They heard some laughter on TikTok that they thought sounded dope and then they conditioned themselves to laugh like that. It’s fucking awful. Makes me want to order lamb every time I go out to eat.
Swan: They say swans meet a mate early on in their youth and the next thing you know, they’re together forever. Just like that. Imagine if two stage-5 clingers met at a bar and hit it off that night. They’ll be married by next morning and she’ll be pregnant that nightfall. And if it doesn’t work out between them, give them a week and they’ll both be right back in the saddle in different relationships. Swans are also the definition of relationship people who get things going really quick. We all have that one friend who just loves relationships. They can bend time like it’s rubber. They can somehow sneak a two-year relationship under their belts in a span that feels like three months.
Golden Retriever: Ah yes, the yes-man. These guys are so much fun, but holy shit, they couldn’t say no for the life of them.
“Hey, do you want to go to Bed Bath and Beyond and shit in all of their display toilets?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, do you want to put a shark in the school’s pool and then reenact the movie JAWS?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, do you want to play ‘drug roulette’ and take a little bit of everything tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, do you want to—”
“Yes. Whatever you’re doing, I’m in.”
I’m still debating on whether or not it’s a compliment if someone calls you a golden retriever. I myself have two golden retrievers at home (one of them is a puppy) and every time I see them, the serotonin in my head instantly multiples by a million. I can’t help but smile. At the same time, they are very simple animals who are easy to please and make people feel way more important than they deserve. Are they outrageously kind… or hilariously stupid? Take this question with a grain of salt, but don’t ask them anything… that would be useless because you know it’s a green light for them at all times.
Sand Shark: One word: scum. They’re not really sharks; they’re underwater vacuums. These bottom-feeding fuckers will settle for anything that they can fit down their slimy throats. They’re loyal to nobody and they’ll fuck over just about anyone to grab a bite to eat, including their own kids. Oh yeah, sand sharks are known to eat their young from time to time. A sand shark in human form is someone that is always hungry for a move, makes about 15 different plans, commits to all of them, and only attends the best option. This same person also has three to four different people they hook up with in rotation and can cut you out of existence in a heartbeat… without question. I am not a fan of sand sharks. In my experience with sand sharks, the males show you what it means to be selfish, while the females show you it means to be evil.
Pigeon: What do you think of when you see a pigeon? Rats-with-wings is the obvious first impression. I mean they really are filthy animals: always hanging out in the gutter, in subways, on rooftops, just absolutely content chilling in straight feces. At first glance, you might be insulted if someone called you a pigeon. But think again. I mean, have you ever seen a dead pigeon? They’re always well fed and no matter what they’re doing, there’s always a way out, even after they get seemingly smooshed by a subway. Let’s face it, these birds are smart as hell. George Washington and co used these guys to win the Revolutionary War! Pigeons in human form are the scrappy, kind of dirty, and under-the-radar guys in your friend group that just don’t really ever fail. Sure, they may lose from time to time, but their grinds never stop. Sooner or later, they always get their slice. They’ll be wearing gym shorts at a bar and be drinking the cheapest vodka in the building from the plastic bottle… and yet somehow they’ll walk home with a gorgeous woman. You were too busy laughing at their losses that you didn’t see them grab a massive victory. Despite their slightly gross appearances and odd demeanors, they are incredibly crafty, surprisingly genius, and they really just don’t ever fail. Even if they have to play the long game, they’ll still come out on top. Sure, maybe a bald eagle is tails on the quarter… but the quarter doesn’t exist without the pigeon. Think about it.
