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The Collegiate Animal Kingdom

College is like a watering hole in the wild, where creatures from all walks of life come to get a drink and interact. Yes we are all indubitably human, but all life on Earth are descendants of a common ancestor, and I believe that every single one of us is closer to our animal relatives than we might think. We all have bits of animal in our DNA, but some animals’ DNA is more ‘respectable’ than others. Not everyone can be a lion, a grizzly bear, a gorilla, or any other fucking sweet animal that sits on top of their respective food chains. Those animals are too obvious. In reality, you readers are much more likely to see eye-to-eye with one of the creatures I listed below, as they are much more realistic representations of the comparable traits between animals and humans. 

Now, onto the big question… which animal are you?

Vulture: If you get called a vulture, it is not a compliment. It means your very existence revolves around you waiting for something to die so that you can pick at the scraps. You might remember these guys from the high school lunch tables, just sitting in primetime seat locations and bringing absolute nothing to the table. These guys have never had an original thought in their entire lives; their contributions to conversation is forced laughter and emphasizing an original thought someone else had. “That’s pretty funny” or “That’s so true” are the only lines of dialogue they know. They haven’t changed much at all since they’ve been in college. You can find these bastards perched up somewhere in the corner of the party, holding a warm beer, and waiting for their opportunity to swoop in and talk to a drunk girl on her way to the bathroom. 

Mongoose: These guys are fucking wildcards, capable of all sorts of fuckery. First of all, their diets consist of eating fucking cobras, so they literally wake up feeling dangerous. But they also got a soft side to them and can be absolute sweethearts at times. But don’t get too attached, as they’re always on the move and sneaky as shit. They act on one agenda: their own. Just like his comparable being in the wild, a collegiate mongoose is a man you cannot control or will ever fully understand. Everyone respects the mongoose, but no one is super close with him or knows how he operates, because he always has a move and is never slowing down. His plans got plans. My advice is to make sure you got a mongoose in your social circle and be sure that he likes you enough that he can come to your aid in a time of need, should it suit him. Don’t abuse his aid, or worse, create a quarry with him. God knows you’re in deep shit if you find yourself against him. 

Turkey: Happy Thanksgiving! Take this with a grain of salt: if someone gets called a turkey, it might have to do with the fact that turkeys are perhaps the dumbest creatures in the entire animal kingdom and a perfect example of an evolutionary dead-end. The funny part is that it might not even resonate with that person, as their average attention span is around 18 seconds. The turkey embodiment cannot be tied to one single gender, as the attributes of this stupid animal are applicable to a large many. These types of people move in packs, a whole flock of stupid, and when they move individually, they are the ones at the party that make you want to hit your head with something really dense and heavy after talking to them. They’re also incredibly horny and have the tendency to be massive sluts. Don’t take it personally if your conversation goes dead in the water with one of these people. They probably saw a shiny object that required their attention. Oh, and I’d give them some space at the bar, as they are riddled with disease. Not just because their body counts look like MLB batting averages, but because they take about 50 trips to the bathroom per function to take a goddamn mirror photo. After that, who knows what goes in that bathroom. There’s only so many shits someone can take.

Horse: Everyone loves a good horse. I mean how could you not? He’s probably one of the biggest drinking heavyweights at the party, as well as capable of doing most party drugs while keeping his cool. He gets after it every weekend, but is never in your face about what he does. He’s loved by all the girls and gets a genuine dap from all the gentlemen at the function. I mean let’s face it, these guys are stallions. Their only downsides is the unfortunate fact that their lifestyles aren’t sustainable. If a horse hits the race track every weekend, he’s gonna run his body into the ground… or worse… evolve into a mule.

Mule: A relative of the horse, but not as well admired. A mule is an ex-horse that got addicted to everything he consumed and now his life revolves around getting fucked up, thus he’s always got the goods on him. Whatever you want, he’s got it. A mule’s inbox is full of thousands of invites to big functions, but that has little to nothing to do with his individual character. He’s only there because he was summoned after someone desired a product that he carries. Whether the mule knows his place or not is one thing, but whether he cares is another. If you’re looking for the mule at a function, your best bet is to head for the nearest bathroom and look for the ‘stables.’ Mules tend to have smaller bladders than horses, so they spend a lot of time in the stalls, if you catch my drift.

Viper: Ah, our first reptile addition, and for good reason too. These guys, or gals, can have their moments of being kind of slick and smooth, but more times than not, you are worrying about doing anything you can to not hurt them. After all, they got sensitive skin. If you step on them or mess with them, they will lash out. Sometimes they can be divas and make big deals about nothing… or worse… they do something to fuck you over to save their own asses. I mean at the end of the day… they are snakes

Beaver: These guys are hilariously predictable. There could be the most electrifying function going on, and they could not be happier hunkering down in the safety of their own home. They’re down to host events at times, but these are little in size, very low-key and tranquil events. They’re also the types of people that think they can build and fix anything themselves. They don’t like paper trails or any real evidence of their existence at all for that matter. When they aren’t off the grid chucking some wood, they’re busy sleeping for 12-14 hours a night. Don’t think you can ever convince them to live another life, that will just make them growl. These guys are stubborn as hell and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Skunk: This guy’s trouble. It’s never, “Hey, let’s invite the skunk,” it’s always, “Jesus christ, who the fuck invited the skunk!?” While skunks are unique and sleek animals, such creatures that can even be described as cute, they have the potential to ruin everyone’s entire week. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be provoked; they will just let it rip. This little fucker runs around at night thinking he’s Mr. Notoriety, like he’s some sort of legend, but in reality, he’s just a headache. An expensive bill to be paid in the morning. He thinks he’s a mongoose, he certainly tries to act like a mongoose, but he will always be a skunk. A fucking menace. 

Seal: These are the Division-1 athletes. Just like their wildlife counterparts, they come in all shapes and sizes, yet every single of them possesses untamable athleticism. But they are always on edge about something. They’re never comfortable being where they’re at. Whether it’s the sharks of their coaching staff or the orcas of the NCAA, there’s always someone on their asses, thus they are always on the move. God forbid, if someone pulls out their iPhone to take a damn picture, these guys will be hooting and hollering for the next ten minutes, making sure that they weren’t documented. Never in one spot and always mobbing with themselves, these people split time between different functions, whether it’s a big piece of dry land or a little buoy bell to post up on; but sooner or later, they gotta get back to the ocean. It’s a stressful life.

Crow: Loud, obnoxious, and cursed with a burning case of FOMO, these guys are hard to miss at any event. They just love the sound of their own voices. But don’t let these chatty creatures fool you. Sure they can be annoying, sometimes painfully annoying, but crows are the smartest birds in the entire animal kingdom and it’s not even close. These types of people are incredibly resourceful, logical, and clever as fuck. Everything they do is a front, with purpose behind every single one of their actions. While you’re playing checkers, crows are playing chess. They have you figured out the minute you walk in through the door. Don’t believe me? How many dead crows have you seen before. None. That’s because they don’t die. There’s always a way out. In the wise words of Jeff Goldblum, “they were here before us, and if we’re not careful… they’ll be here after us.”

Turtle: They say nice guys finish last, but at the same time, slow and steady wins the race. These fellas are nice, respectful, but very… very safe, never wanting even a drop of controversy. When called on during class roll call, they say “Here.” Even though they could be the same age as everyone else, it always feels like they’re at least 9 years older, with twins on the way. They talk about gas prices when flirting at a bar. They always bring out the cheese platter when hosting, with four more wrapped up in the fridge, ready to go for next weekend. They’ll be at the airport four hours early and still think they outsmarted everyone. If getting a flight proved to be too complicated, meaning their destination required a connection flight, they will then pack up the car and drive to the Grand Canyon. Once every couple of hibernations, a turtle will come out of his shell and go to a party, with his shirt tucked into his slacks of course. Lord knows, if anything goes wrong, such as having one drink too many and accidentally dropping a wine glass, a turtle will send everyone a tailored apology to all he crossed paths with that night, and will vow to never come out of his shell again.

Honorable mentions-

Ram: Decently close with the horse, but this guy’s a one trick pony. He’s only good for one destructive and public break a weekend, and then he goes home. Whether he breaks a couch, a wall, a glass window, or even his own leg, that is up to the ram. Just know he’ll be back next week.

Peacock: Pretty good looking, always repped in a nice fit, but a total fucking air head. You won’t kill yourself after talking to a peacock like you would after ending a conversation with a turkey, but you will definitely consider harming yourself. 

Squirrel: A jittery, wiry, little coke head who will bend steel to get his nut. 

Aardvark: That one guy in the group who just kind of exists. You don’t even remember why you became friends with him in the first place. In all honesty, you really don’t know anything about his personal life at all, but if he got on all fours and started licking the ground, looking for ants to eat, you wouldn’t put it past him.

Chameleon: These guys are incredibly adaptable and can fold in just fine with most situations and be a part of just about any group… but they do not possess one original trait. 

Fly: Bottom feeding scum. These are the kids that live off of snap-maps and are constantly asking where the social scene is, never once getting a formal invitation. They are also the same kids who spend their academic careers mooching off of screenshots of other people’s completed assignments. Filthy and pathetic drifters. 

What do you think?

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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