The Homerun Hitter
This guy has never heard of a straight bet in his life. The maximum he’ll ever put on anything is $10, and if it’s fewer than five legs, he won’t even look at it. Over the course of his career, he’ll have big time wins that leave everyone else in shock that anyone would have thought to parlay the Commanders’ preseason over with four different hits in NL East showdown, but what you never see is the 57 missed parlays that are slowly draining his income.
The Tractor Trailer
He’s always in on the action, but he’ll never come to you with any locks of his own. He’s too indecisive to make his own picks, and it will start to get really old when he’s making money off of your crusade against Vegas.
The One and Done
He signed up for every bit of free play money available when he turned 21 and bet every ounce of it on games with odds over -1000. Now, he hasn’t opened a sportsbook app in months, and he’s still buying beer with the thousand or so dollars he managed to finesse while the rest of you are stuck sacrificing dinner to fuel your addictions. He laughs at your pain, and he’s got every right to.
The Full-On Addict
This is the guy we all fear turning into. He hasn’t hit a bet in three weeks, and his ability to pay for the rest of this semester is completely dependent on whether or not the bet he placed using the money his parents gave him for tuition hitting. You should get this guy some help because it’s been more than a month since you’ve seen him grocery shop, and you’re pretty sure he’s been picking the expired foods out of the trash just to survive.
The High-Top Fader
This is the worst human being imaginable. At least the Tractor Trailer is betting with you. This guy waits and prays on your downfall. Every bet you tell him about, he goes the exact opposite because he knows that you suck. Then he puts his nuts in your face and rubs it in. Fuck this guy.
