Every time the FDA shuts down one puff bar company, a sketchier one hits the market, and it feels like for the past two years, I’ve loaded my lungs up with cotton-candy flavored engine fluid. I wake up every morning coughing like a coal-miner who left school with his third-grade education and has spent that last forty years without looking back. I’m not going to lie to you and say that Hannah Montana-unicorn-pussy-blueberry-lush-ice doesn’t hit astronomically different when I’m sitting on the library toilet, but I’ve found myself going through two eight-hundred puff nicotine sticks a week. To be proactive about this issue, about two months ago, I went back to juuling. Even without mint or mango pods, juuling is tried and true. The Juul is the Lisa Ann of vapes: it’s consistent and brings back memories from my adolescence.
There’s only one problem with juuling nowadays: I wind up spending the same amount on my apartment utilities on nicotine. I don’t have Barstool money- I can’t do that. And even my dickhead friends with internships on Wall Street this summer can’t do that. If you’re making good money in your early twenties, you’re either selling your body, rich from a dead family member, or you’re smarter than an average joe like myself. No normal person can afford juul pods up north. Nicotine prices up north have gotten ridiculous. I swear to god I walked into a seven-eleven last week and got charged thirty dollars PLUS TAX for four 5% tobacco pods.
That leaves me with two options: I can quit nicotine, or I can begin to diversify my nicotine consumption. Quitting nicotine isn’t hard. Big tobacco wants you to think it’s hard, so you’re too scared to stop, but it’s not hard, and I’ve seen EXTREMELY addicted friends of mine quit with one week of self-control. But quite frankly, I don’t want to, and odds are, neither do you. We don’t have kids, and our early twenties are all about doing other people’s bitch work. How the fuck is anybody supposed to log five-hundred price points in Microsoft Excel without a little buzz? So, what I’ve found to be the most superior solution for the struggle we all face is diversifying our nicotine consumption.
One thing I’ve been doing that has helped me cut back a ton is forcing myself to dip or zyn while I’m working. As stupid as it sounds, spitting into a coffee cup has been making the process of writing blogs more enjoyable, and it saves me from the procrastination time I would usually spend looking for my juul that’s been stuck in my swamp ass during the entire search of my desk area. It’s also been saving me a TON of money. A can or tin (depending on what region you live in) is on average six dollars almost anywhere. It’s cheap, and most importantly, it’s gross. If my girlfriend doesn’t want me doing it around her? Then guess who’s going to be giving me their juul? Win-win.
And finally, the best way to save money by vaping less of all: ripping bogues/darts/cigs/sticks/stogies/ciggy wiggy dilly’s (real term- Urban Dictionary it). The drunker you are, the less you care about what’s going into your body. Why the fuck would you buy a vape on thirsty Thursday when you can rip cigs on a rooftop bar? Drunk you won’t care. Drunk you is just looking to inhale something- ANYTHING. Don’t buy vapes when you’re going out; there’s no point. Plus, remember how fucking cool Don Draper looked when you watched Mad Men?