“Everybody wants to be an athlete until they bust that first nut” -me
If you ask a suburban neighborhood of white eleven-year-olds what they will be when they grow up, sixty-percent will probably say some shit like basketball player. Little does Kyle know that he will stop growing in seventh grade and live his entire life at five foot three. He will probably trip acid for the first time at age fifteen and dive right into streetwear culture, skateboarding, and reap the benefits that come with living at his parent’s crib until age 26 and a half. For a girl like Emma, who excelled at soccer throughout middle school, she will rise through high school soccer ranks, even bringing her team to states as a Junior. But after HER parent’s messy divorce, she will decide she wants to go to a big state school where she will end up being another Pi Kap groupie. There are millions of stories similar to these that I have personally seen play out. The fifteen-percent of kids that stayed with sports in college will mostly go D3 with a few kids going D1, but even a majority of the D1 kids are only going for obscure sports that you nobody cares about: Rowing, Cross Country, Soccer, ect. But today, I will take you down the list of the athletes we all knew in our younger years.
The Fat O-Lineman with Anger Issues: After he and his Mommy met with a childhood psychologist, they both decided it would be a phenomenal idea to get him into playing football. In the second grade, this kid looked like Chuckie from Shameless and was a threshold below identifying as diabetic. He will hate it at first, but I promise you this motherfucker will end up loving his football team more than anything come puberty. That varsity jacket he will earn as a Sophomore will be more worn out than Teanna Trump’s asshole by the time he graduates. He will thin out(somewhat), and once alcohol starts to play a role in social settings, forget about it. You talked shit about his running back? He is in your face. You called the coach’s daughter a slut? He will tell you how much he benches and then let you know he could crush you like an insect. He’s a nice kid with deep-rooted problems who has a strangely close relationship with his mother, and he will always threaten to beat your ass, but he’s just a big-boned pussy.
The Christian Baseball Player: Florida Georgia Line, chewing tabacco, and church on Sundays. You already know this kid has some stupid name like Tanner. One-hundred percent of the time, he ends up having a girlfriend ALL of high school, and her Instagram is packed fatter than a Mom with four kids’ backpack going to Disneyland with pictures of them post-baseball game. He will have the worst attendance of your general friendgroup’s boys nights, and he will always offer to be the designated driver. Readers, there is a reason why baseball players have significantly less attractive girlfriends than any other athletes. That’s because they got addicted to one vagina by age 16 and haven’t looked back.
The Tall Girl’s Basketball Player That’s Super Horny: She might not even be the best player on the team, but she is tall as fuck and tries pretty fucking hard to fit in socially. While all her teammates stay home during their state finals runs, she will go out with other friends and find the drunkest kid in the room. She will prey upon that poor boy, trying to do all kinds of things to his flaccid penis that he doesn’t want to happen. The next morning while he and his boys are recapping the night, he will get shat on for it, but he will barely even remember. I’m not saying she is a serial rapist, I’m just saying that if she took advantage of your buddy, maybe go out of your way to be nice to him.
The Gifted White Basketball Player: let’s paint these scene. You get out of your 2011 Nissan Altima with a couple of friends and swiftly give Omar, who was an excellent conversationalist, five stars. Upon walking into a high school party, you see him. Boogie With A Hoodie is on, his shirt is off, and Jesus Christ, it’s only 9:43 pm. Usually, with some simple name like Max or Mathew, girls all around you are recording him dancing. Girls want to be with him, he’s a fun time. He’s probably six-four and will go D3 after receiving two Division 1 offers as a Junior, and his Instagram captions are a fusion of Drake Lyrics and preposterous emojis that you believed people only used sarcastically. He dunked once, and everyone went apeshit, so did you, and you hated yourself for it because this kid SUUUUUCKKKS.
The Girls Lacrosse Team Full Of Instagram Influencers: In any given suburban neighborhood on either coast, there is an almost unwritten rule that the most popular girls (usually the best-looking) play girls lacrosse. Considering it’s 2021… that’s all I have to say on the subject.
When this gets 20,000 pageviews, I’ll make another one.