You may disagree, but guess what? You’re not the one behind the keyboard. So go fuck yourself. I am right.
Honorable Mention: Pizza
Pizza would be on this list if not for the fact that so many people think that putting pineapples on it is okay. You have those menaces to society to blame for that.
5. The Hot Wing
The hot wing has never failed to disappoint me. I spent almost every Tuesday night of my senior year at P.J. Whelihan’s for half priced wings, and it was never a waste of money. There will always debate over whether drums are better than flats or whether regular are better than dry rub (flats and dry rub are my answers), but the bottom line is that wings are a top tier food and always will be. You can’t get good ones everywhere, but when they’re good there’s not much better.
4. The Ball Park Hot Dog
I’m not saying there aren’t good hot dogs elsewhere. I’m coming off of a six hot dogs day from yesterday (And a six hot dog poop from about 15 minutes ago. Holy fuck.), so trust me I’ll branch out to hot dogs other than at baseball games. But that being said, the undisputed best glizzy comes at a baseball game. They never look particularly appetizing, but the way the bread gets completely stuck to the dog in the tin foil and it comes out just makes it fucking perfect. At some point this summer I plan to go to a dollar dog night and eat a hot dog per inning… at least. The line is sitting at 10.5 right now, and you’re a fool if you don’t hammer that over.
3. The French Fry
There’s not much I can say about this one. Sober, drunk, or high on crack I doubt a thing of fries will ever disappoint me. They’re just a consistently awesome food, which is why they rank so high on this list.
2. The Cheeseburger
In my opinion, this should always have bacon on it, but the great Jimmy Buffet didn’t include bacon when he sang probably the greatest song ever written, “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” so I won’t say that it’s required here. It does make it a fuck of a lot better, though. I get a burger at pretty much any restaurant I go out to, and that’s because it will never fail to be a solid choice of food. You can almost never go wrong getting a burger. Fuck, Wawa’s got burgers now. And they’re fucking good. God bless America.
1. The Philly Cheesesteak
Suck it. There is nothing better than a Philly Cheesesteak. Nothing in the entire world. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from. The cheesesteak is the king of all foods. There is a correct way to order it: whiz wit. And there are also three acceptable places in the Philadelphia area to have as your favorite cheesesteak place: Jim’s, Steve’s, and Delessandro’s. If you pick Pat’s or Geno’s, you’re not only wrong, but you’re a fucking moron. That’s all.