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The Five Hardest Things About Being A White Guy

You Say “Harder” But This Is The Hardest I Can Possibly Go:

 Having sex with me is like microwaving a hot pocket. Not even the creators of hot pockets themselves would tell you they would want a hot pocket over a steak or a good chicken masala, but if you’re hungry enough, it won’t even matter to you that the middle is cold and the whole experience was below par. Harder? I’m giving you all I got. I can’t just stop halfway through, go to one of those banner ads on the side of a Lana Rhoades video, trust a vaguely legal product that a fake scientist made, go on a sixth-month regiment, and grow. I’m trying to make a 2014 Rav4 go 110 miles per hour here. 

It’s Impossible To Be Funny While Saying “motherfuckers be like”:

How the hell are you realistically going to make a tweet funny when it starts off “motherfuckers be like?” Obviously, the no-no word is off the table- even free speech guys will tell you that much. But “motherfuckers be like” is just embarrassing. It just sounds like the clean version of a rap song on now that’s what I call music ’22. The first thing people see when you say that isn’t oh great, this guy is going to tell a joke it’s hahahaha, I bet this white guy could say the word.

You Have To Deal With People Giving You Skin Advice:

One of the worst things about having not-the-best skin is people ranging from your Grandma to your friend’s Grandma to your neighbor trying to give you skin advice. This isn’t the 1940s, bitch, I know peroxide is in toothpaste, but I’m not going to walk around my house looking like the Grinch after his first time shaving. It’s a nightmare out here. Sometimes growing up, I didn’t want to walk outside, so telling me that I needed to drink more orange juice and try Neutrogena is doing nothing but reminding me that I was cursed with the skin of a Pirate with scurvy. You want to help? You should’ve given me better genetics. On the real, shoutout to people with bad skin in middle or high school, you needed to form a personality. 

You Look Silly Wearing Shorts: An adult white man wearing shorts, apart from the chunky kings that rock a nice 2XL tee+ basketball shorts combo, looks a little erroneous. My thighs look like Friendly Farms cottage cheese, my kneecaps look like somebody carved a potato-like a Jack-O-Lantern, and no level of white Nike sock can produce enough swagger for the whole operation not to look ridiculous. I’m not against white dudes wearing shorts; it gets fucking hot, but let’s not dilute ourselves. At times it looks unnatural. 

I Had To Start A Podcast: When my Mom delivered me, the doctor put a gun to her mouth and said what’s the name? My Mom, terrified, replied what? The doctor repeated the question. Oh the name of his podcast is Backdeck Radio my Mom said with proud tears in her eyes.

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