The Five States That Drink the Most Beer

Out of boredom and curiosity often comes great intellectual discovery, which is exactly what happened to me today when I hopped on Google to see which states drink the most beer. After minutes of intense research and effort, I can now happily bring you the five states in the U.S. that consume the most beer, according to this website that I chose to use because it was the first thing I saw.

Warning: These results may be shocking.

5. Wisconsin

Sure, Wisconsin is an irrelevant state, but if you think about this one, it actually makes a lot of sense. In recent years during his tenure on the Packers, Aaron Rodgers has been acting like the girlfriend that openly cheats, but since her boyfriend is a loser, he’ll stay with her anyway because what else does he have going for him? If you were constantly worried that the only meaningful part of your life was one bad draft pick away from walking out the door, you’d be coping with beer too.

4. South Dakota

I’ve never been to South Dakota. I don’t want to go to South Dakota. I don’t know anything about South Dakota. People in South Dakota don’t want to be in South Dakota. That’s because South Dakota sucks. It certainly seems like they’re coping with the fact that they are one of the least attractive states in the country with copious amounts of beer.

3. Montana

This one shocked me. Not because I thought people from Montana didn’t drink beer, but because I just didn’t think that there actually were any people there. The information I got was all per capita, which just tells me that the one guy that lives there is an alcoholic.

2. New Hampshire

Unfortunately, my imagination tells me that New Hampshire might be buying a lot of beer, but if there were ever a state to drink 70% of a beer and then go grab a new one, it would be New Hampshire. New Hampshire is riddled with nineteen-year-olds telling their friends they had fourteen beers the night before as they drag a garbage bag outside that’s leaking warm PBR that never made it out of the cans they “finished.”

1. North Dakota

If you thought living in South Dakota was bad, it seems that North Dakota is even worse. But if you lived in a state that is basically just an extension of Canada you’d be drinking too much beer as well.