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The Five Types of People on Spring Break

The Early Riser

There’s nothing wrong with waking up before everyone else, but if you’re going to be that guy, just know that everyone is going to end up hating you if you’re up and about at 8:30am. Take it from someone who cares more about sleeping than he does about his future: don’t be the guy that wakes everyone up. Instead, pop in your AirPods and watch a movie or something or a YouTube video – anything but be the asshole that’s blasting “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba while everyone else is trying to sleep off their physically and emotionally crippling hangovers.

The Sacrificial Lamb

This is the guy that keeps everyone from full on killing one another. He’ll spend the entirety of the trip making cleaning the kitchen and the stray pubes out of the bathroom so that the kid who has brain aneurysm every time someone spills a beer doesn’t book a flight back midway through the week. His spring break is going to be significantly less fun than the rest of you, but he’s a goddamn hero and you should be grateful for him.

The Liability

This is the kid who wakes himself up with five shots of Vlad. By the time you make it out of your room, he’s nearly blacked out while the rest of you are enjoying your first beer. He’ll knock over women and children to get to the front of the food line, and when the middle-aged guy who’s just trying to enjoy a relaxing day in the sun tells him that he needs to calm down, he takes a swing and gets everyone kicked out. Don’t be the Liability.

The Socialite

This is the kid who somehow makes friends with every single person you meet. No one else really has any desire to make friends with the locals and older visitors, but this kid has no fear of having a forty-minute conversation about the brilliance of David Chase throughout The Sopranos with a sixty-five-year-old-man who was expecting to quietly enjoy a drink and go home. He’ll leave your spring break with friends he’ll never remember, but there will be people that talk to their families about “that one kid” for years to come.

The Vacationer

This kid takes the fact that he’s off of school for a week incredibly seriously. He won’t do an ounce of schoolwork, studying, or anything productive for the entirety of your drip, and if anyone even brings up a school-related conversation he’s going to shut that shit down almost instantaneously. He won’t cause any major issues or problems, but just don’t expect him to be a productive member of society.

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Written by VinegarStrokes

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

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