The Late Bloomer
This is the guy that never had a fake ID and didn’t step foot into a bar until the day he turned 21. There wouldn’t be anything wrong with that, except for the fact that he now has no clue how to handle himself. His discovery of a “double” has led to him becoming unmanageable within an hour of arriving, so bringing him along is a predetermined night of babysitting and apologizing to any girls in ear shot when he loudly tells you, “There are barely any bitches here tonight.”
Some people like to fight, and most people try to avoid them. This guy is neither. He’ll chirp anyone in earshot, but the second that things get dicey, he’ll disappear and leave you to talk down the coked out power lifter so as not to be murdered with a Vodka RedBull in your hand.
No one likes waiting in line for a drink, but it’s common courtesy to trade off grabbing rounds and figure out the Venmos later. This guy will time his drinking so that he never has to be the one to stand awkwardly as girls with more cleavage than brain cells jump ahead in line for a drink. If you’re lucky, he’ll at least be generous when refunding you for the alcohol you bought him, but in reality, you all just want him to finally take a turn scrolling through Instagram posts he’s already seen, waiting at the mercy of a bartender that has no interest in people with Y chromosomes.
Some guys are all about ripping shots. Some guys aren’t. That’s okay. What’s annoying is when the shots guy bullies the rest of the crew into going four consecutive rounds of bottom shelf whiskey. Recipe for disaster every time.
It’s one thing to be at a bar where you have to listen to one guy loudly talk for the entire night about his JV Football season senior year of high school, but it’s a fuck of a lot worse when that guy is in your group. His stories aren’t interesting to anyone, but it’s made worse by the fact that he has zero control over the volume of his voice and the entire bar starts to hear him inch closer and closer to saying things that you could only get away with if it were 2013.