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The Four Friends You Will Lose In Life

Druggy Friends:

Maybe you have been teetering on getting blackout drunk five times a week, and there’s one kid in your contacts that will always be down to booze with you. Or maybe you’ve been practicing skiing more than Lindsay Vonn and when nobody else wants to cause a little damage to the arteries in an Applebee’s bathroom on a Wednesday, this is the guy that never says no. Or maybe you’re in a state where you’re popping mushrooms like fucking Mario, and you’ve caught yourself hanging around a kid that believes Hemp soap should be the next US Gold Standard. Whatever substance you are doing too much of, this person will be a distant memory if you get your life on track. Only one thing is a guarantee: if it’s a guy you did too much booger sugar with, one day, you will see him on your Instagram feed congratulating himself for getting a real estate license in Tampa, Florida. And as for the psychedelic guy, you’ll see him in a documentary one day made by someone who isn’t born yet in a compound fourteen miles from Logan, Utah.

Middle School Friend:

Everybody has at least one friend from middle school that they fell off with in high school. Either you were the prude one, and they were the crazy one, or you were the one smoking out of an apple in the woods of a public park with kids who wore Osiris sneakers. Either way, you guys were on different levels. This is the most awkward friend you will lose because your Dad, who half pays attention to your life, will bring them up when they are a whole ass presidential administration out of the picture. Maybe you guys will run into each other at a Whole Foods during Christmas break one time because your Mom gave you a shopping list, and you see them from a distance grabbing for rice and trying to avoid conversation, but it happened.

Work Friend:

You guys had a good thing. A really good thing. You’ll look back on the jokes you made about the guy whose Tuna salad smelt like Jeffrey Dahmer’s refrigerator with fond memories. You guys knew that you wouldn’t be in each other’s wedding parties, but you looked forward to making them smile under fluorescent lighting. Maybe you went out a time or two after one of you left your job, but it wasn’t the same.

Friend That Got Too Political:

Maybe it’s a guy you used to like because you would joke around with, and now he’s posting pictures from AFAC and Twitch streaming to thirty-two people telling them to buy a book claiming that Kamala Harris is Bob Dole is a skinsuit. Or maybe it’s a guy that went from being active on NBA Twitter to chaining himself to a historical monument with Tampons while tweeting GoFundMe links for defense attorneys to represent the MAPs community. Whoever this person is, they clearly had a psychotic break and are not stable. A separation needed to be made before you, too, found yourself waiting for the resurrection of JFK Junior or muckbanging Doritos Locos Tacos to “fight fatphobia.”

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