The Four Kinds of Uber Drivers After a Night Out

The Strong, Silent Type

This guy holds his Uber drives like a high school study hall. There’s no music playing, and when you and your friends stumble into the car, it’s made clear pretty quickly that while talking isn’t illegal, it’s certainly frowned upon – like masturbating on an airplane. Not even the guy that usually hits the driver with, “Driving late tonight?” is brave enough to provoke this dude into speech, and despite being fourteen Vodka Redbulls deep, this guy makes you feel just-got-out-of-rehab levels of sobriety.

The Soundcloud Rapper

When you get into this beat-to-shit 2005 Dodge Durango, there’s beats that sound like your thirteen-year-old cousin with the GarageBand app on his mom’s old Macbook Air would make pulsing through the car. There’s a QR code on the back of the driver’s side head rest, and the dude driving is rapping every lyric of the song that he recorded in his buddy’s basement between selling high school kids watered down Crown Russe. He tells you that he doesn’t care about his rating on the Uber app, but that following him on Soundcloud would be even better than a tip.

The Boomer

There’s nothing to do except feel bad for this guy. Instead of going to sleep at 5:30pm like everyone else his age, this guy’s out driving until three in the morning to make sure he has ample money set aside for he and his wife’s yearly vacation to Naples, Florida. He’ll tell you right off the bat that he’s got grandkids your age and then awkwardly chuckle as he looks back and realizes that his granddaughter who’s “on scholarship at ASU” is most likely dressing pretty similarly to his current female passengers. Every ride this guy does is a new reason to fear for the future of the country.

The UWI (Ubering While Intoxicated)

The car of this Uber driver smells a lot like the dorm room you occasionally walked by freshman year that constantly had a towel pressed up against the crack in the bottom of the door. There’s no lifestyle judgment, but when this lady starts laughing hysterically at the guy in the front seat who treats the ride home from the bar like his own personal stand-up stage, you will absolutely start to worry that there isn’t a truly sober person in the car – a suspicion that’s confirmed when she fully turns around to face the backseat and let everyone know that this is the best ride she’s had yet tonight.

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Written by TFM

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