TFM
The Good Time
This is the one we’re all going for, but it’s a lot harder to obtain than it should be. For me, it’s usually a Friday. You start the pregame at the perfect time, and you hit the perfect number of beers. When you’re ready to go out, you’ll be just beyond a nice vibe out to “Young, Wild & Free” and standing on a table singing “Here’s to Never Growing Up” at the top of your lungs. One shotgun before leaving means when you arrive at the party your energy is just right to challenge the two most unathletic looking girls in the room to pong and beat them in overtime because you were “just warming up.” After losing embarrassingly to people with actual skill, you’ll work the dance floor for a good couple hours before you and a guy you’ve met four times start telling each other some of your deepest secrets on the couch because of a connection you felt while watching a mutual friend completely strike out with a girl well out of his league. If you’re feeling dangerous, getting back out into the party might land you a girl. When you get home, the $11 you spend on McDonald’s is completely worth it until you’re trying to fall asleep, and you realize you’re going to be up at 7 a.m. with intense diarrhea.
The Brown Out
This is when you overdo it just a tad. While everyone is watching an NBA game and having casual conversation, you’re ready to fucking go. You’ll be totally up your roommates’ asses to get going, and when you end up getting them to leave, it’s totally your fault when you’re the first people at the party. It doesn’t matter, though, because you’ll instantly become the center of entertainment for everyone in the room. Mumbling through lyrics as loud as you can and busting out the one dance move you can do that doesn’t make you look like squirrel having a seizure keeps you pretty occupied, but then you decide you’re going to try and romance the girl that you choose to believe has been eying you up because she’s attracted to you — not because you’ve been loudly grunting every time you hit the whip to the wrong beat of a song. Inevitable strikeout ensues, and the rest of the night is pretty hazy until you wake up the next morning and get reminded that you cartwheeled across several streets on the walk home.
The Waking Up with No Clue
It’s pretty self-explanatory. Maybe it’s because all you could stomach after the night before was a half a bacon egg and cheese or because you “Big Shot” by Billy Joel got you just a little bit too fired up, but the end result is usually the same. The first thing that happens in your memory after your first beer bong is waking up at 9:30 a.m. completely naked with a half-eaten bag of chips next to your bed, several dicks drawn on your arm, and three-minute-long Snapchat videos sent to the girl you had planned to meet up with. Your roommates inform you that you left at 11:00 to go see that girl, came back ten minutes later with a pizza, popped on season four of New Girl, and laughed hysterically until they left. They came back to find you passed out on the couch and shoed you off to bed around 3a.m. You don’t ever hear from that girl again.
The Night In
Easily the softest of any of the previous ones on this list. You pussy out because you have a quiz in four days and decide it would be best to just take it easy. If you’re a dork, you’ll actually do it. If you have friends that care about you, though, they’ll make fun of you until you agree to stop being a little bitch and get to boozing.
