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The Four Worst Parts About Getting Older

Paying Taxes:

Now, while I can acknowledge that it’s never been easier to pay taxes than right now, it’s still an insane concept. I’ve watched Snowden on Joe Rogan. YOU LITERALLY TRACK OUR PHONES, JUST VENMO REQUEST ME. People had to get a shot so they could eat in a restaurant in New York, and you can’t tell me how much I owe the government? You guys send people into Wars for oil, control, and profits, all while using the media you have in your back pocket to sway public opinion, and THEN you expect us to spend three days in April having panic attacks over a calculator? Get the fuck out of here. You’ve overstepped all of my boundaries and will continue to do so, hit me with a Venmo request and shut up.

Spoiled Kids Have No Concept Of Reality:

One of my least favorite things in the entire world is somebody looking at me quizzically because I can’t drop everything and go to Vegas for a weekend. I know your Dad’s credit card weighs the same amount as the free-weights in a nursing home, but that isn’t life for many people. Most people can’t just go to a concert because an EDM artist everyone likes is in town. If I want to go somewhere, I have to save and eat Peanut Butter and Jellys for two weeks.

Splitting The Bill With A Girl:

A lot of times on this app, I see influencer girls talk about how ridiculous it is to split a bill on the first date. Guess what? If you’re hot enough to make double a union worker’s salary with your toes, you’re not going to pay for a date…EVER. But there needs to be some kind of code for the rest of us. I usually pay the bill on a first date, but I’ll check Twitter, and apparently, that makes me a misogynistic piece of shit. Do you want to be Susan B. Anthony, or do you want me to pay for your nachos? Do you want to go to a place with Margarita cups that I’m going to steal and tacos that are going to make us both shit violently, or do you want to split the bill and go somewhere nice? A lot of us aren’t Warren Buffett; a lot of us need a Broncos Moneyline to hit here and there so we afford cold cuts at the grocery store.

The Realization That Adults Are Children With Assets:

This Halloween, I watched a woman cry because a man refused to take off his bane mask- both were in their late twenties or early thirties. An adult woman afraid of a DC Supevillan, and an adult man refusing to take off his mask for five seconds while this lady was within his five feet radius at the bar. Whether you’re in the Anti-Work subreddit, or you can’t admit that historically white guys have had some advantages in life, you’re four years old.

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