The Masturbatory Evolution

I do it. You do it. I’m sure your grandfather does it, too. With that image burned into your brain, let’s take a look at how every guy’s favorite hobby evolves.

The Big Bang

The first time you spank it creates a whole new universe of sexual exploration, so it’s only fitting to name it after the conception of our universe. Whether it was a Reddit page, the thought of your algebra teacher leaning over with a blouse that wasn’t buttoned right, or you got ahold of your dad’s Playboy collection, your first time shaking hands with the milkman was both a metaphorical and literal explosion.


After the greatest discovery of your life, the rest of your middle school and early high school career was spent following the same “exercise” schedule as a good high school football football program, except you actually looked forward to testing your body’s physical limits. Maybe you’ll go the extra mile, much like the captain of that team, and hit a midday workout, too.

The Romantic Phase

After the previous stretch of intensity, you most likely moved into a much more personal relationship with your phallic friend later in high school. The days of getting everything you could out of him were gone, and instead, you opted for a candlelit dinner and a Marvin Gaye playlist. The hour that you spent at home alone after school that you told your parents was filled with “homework” was always a ton of fun, but that’s because you were really playing long games of five on one.

Missionary Impossible

Getting to college means you had a freshman year roommate, and I’m sure early on neither of you was comfortable enough with one another to say, “Hey, you want to go for a walk and give me twenty-five minutes to shuck corn?” That means that your masturbatory maneuvers were stealth missions, dead set on getting things done as quietly and efficiently as possible.

Take as Needed

In later years of your college experience, you had a room of your own and all the alone time you needed to paddle the pink canoe, which means that you moved into more of a “when the mood hits you” style. Going to sleep, to clear your mind before studying, or maybe you just had a really good Fettuccine Alfredo – this will be the easy going stage of your evolution that shows that you’ve reached full maturity in your journey of burping the worm.

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Written by TFM

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