Alex Becker
As I’m sure you are all aware, tomorrow is the most patriotic day of the year. It is a day where we celebrate not just our independence from the British, but everything that makes this great nation truly American. In order to properly get into the spirit, here are the ten best things to watch to make you feel proud of this country.
National Treasure
There is no better way to celebrate our independence than to watch the greatest Revolutionary War movie ever. Maybe it doesn’t showcase the actual war itself, but there’s a scavenger hunt, a British villain, and Nicholas Cage. That’s pretty damn American if you ask me.
Judge Judy
What other country nationally televises their low-level judicial system for pure entertainment purposes? None. Just America because we are the best.
Miracle
Witness America’s greatest accomplishment ever and restore your faith in this country to defy all odds.
Wife Swap
See both sides of this country as a rich mom and a poor mom swap families to ruin everyone’s life for a month. This is probably the most American show concept ever created. There will be crying, fighting, and a whole bunch of laughter on your part.
Baseball
Ah, America’s pastime. Baseball really showcases this country’s diversity which is patriotic as hell. There are dudes of all different ethnicities, some short and fast, others too fat to run to around the bases. Yet they all make more money than you can ever imagine for playing a made up game. If that’s not American enough for you, drink a beer and eat some molasses-covered peanut popcorn from the 1800s.
Wipeout
A game show that picks out fat, unathletic contestants to jump on trampoline balls while soaked in muddy water. Entertaining? Hell yeah. American? You betcha.
Team America: World Police
From the creators of South Park comes a clay-mation movie about American crime fighters attempting to stop terrorism. It is one of the least-woke movies ever made and embodies the most important American value: get involved in other people’s business no matter what.
Cops
Cops takes you deep into southern ‘Merica where folks are extremely patriotic and also high on meth. That’s where you really get to witness what goes down in this country: drunken fights, drag racing, and a ton of illegal guns.
Jerry Springer
I take back what I said about Wife Swap being the most American concept ever. Jerry Springer was a show where a former politician mediated confrontation between two or more ridiculous people. Some of my favorite episodes include “A Man Marries A Horse,” “Sex Worker Loses Her Teeth,” and “Little People, Big Problems,” just to name a few. Now, that is patriotic television. RIP to the GOAT.
2023 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Obviously, I saved the best for last. If you don’t watch the greatest American athlete Joseph Christian Chestnut dominate in the most red, white, and blue event ever then you just aren’t an American. No other country could eat as many meaty wieners in ten minutes as we could. They are so scared to compete with us, they don’t even try. I expect you all to tune in tomorrow to witness greatness because that is what Sir Chestnut delivers each and every year. Greatness for himself, greatness for Nathan’s, and greatness for the best damn country in the world.
