Pooping At Your Friend’s House
The only time you should ever even consider taking a dump at someone else’s house is if it’s a family member or code brown emergency. If you do wind up in your buddy’s bathroom, expect a ton of stress. First of all, you are going to want to be fast so that it’s ambiguous whether you really shit in there or just pissed and looked at yourself in the mirror too long afterwards. Once you speed through what’s usually your favorite part of the day, you need to wipe. This is the hard part. Assuming you’re not the best of friends with this person, this is a foreign toilet to you, meaning it’s time to do calculations as to how much toilet paper you can use before it won’t flush. You estimate by the size of the bowl and approximate age of the John at hand that this bad boy can’t take very much. Now you have a dilemma: go safe with a double flush that will surely catch the attention of your host or risk it and wipe once more. Hopefully you underestimated the toilet and everything went down fine, but because your life sucks and God just wants to see you suffer it clogs. You look around for a plunger, but there is none. Now what? Do you tell your friend that you are a disgusting human being that just erupted all over his precious porcelain pot or do you leave it and pray that he decides never to use that bathroom ever again? Quite the smelly situation you are in.
Using Milk After The Expiration
Everyone knows that the expiration date on milk is a scam. While science may be able to predict climate change, they sure as shit can’t tell me when my dairy is going to go bad. Nope, instead I have a general date given to me by the great minds of Stop & Shop as well as my own ability to smell. The problem with that plan of attack is I have no idea what milk is supposed to smell like. I swear it always smells rotten, so most of the time I just think it’s fine and use it regardless. From there the only way to tell is tasting it, making eating cereal a real life version of Jelly Belly’s BeanBoozled.
Driving With Soup In The Car
If you’ve ever gotten Asian food takeout, you know what I mean. Taking that first turn out of the parking lot is so difficult I usually buckle the entire brown paper in the passenger seat. If that bag falls over you better believe your call is smelling like miso for the next month and a half. Even if you hit a speed bump too fast there’s a chance the lid just pops off considering the packaging came from the restaurant’s native homeland where everything is made by children for eight cents a day.
Being Aux
I have so much respect for people that enjoy and are also good at aux. Half the time the dude that asks for it just wants to show you some “underground rapper” that’s just his 16-year-old cousin’s Soundcloud. But those few people that are able to fire off bangers that keep the whole car or sesh bumping the entire time have a gift. For the rest of us, being handed a charger and connecting to Apple CarPlay feels like presenting a Powerpoint in high school. How am I supposed to know what everyone wants to listen to? I know for a fact that the music I listen to is trash. I liked Jesus Is King and Scorpion, yet have never even attempted to listen to Tyler the Creator. I don’t need the rest of the car to judge my playlist that hasn’t been updated since 2017 and continue to hit skip fast enough to only hear one note. Give aux to the dude wearing birkenstocks and a bucket hat non-ironically, he definitely knows music.
Choosing What To Order When Someone Else Is Paying
While it’s very generous of the person to offer to pay for your meal, the stress of ordering isn’t worth the $20 you’re saving. Obviously you don’t want to order the more expensive entree of the two of you, but you also can’t just copy their order or get something that is so cheap it gives away your strategy. Thus, you can either make your own judgment based on the average price of the menu or you can ask what they recommend. Each of these have their own downsides. For example, if you go with the latter option and they say something like a salad or anything else absolutely vile, you have just gotten yourself into a significantly worse situation. Moreover, if you go by your own discretion, you need to pray that you don’t order first. Nothing is worse than you ordering a burger and fries while the other person gets a side salad.
Going To School With A New Haircut
It doesn’t matter if you went to SuperCuts or dropped $60 on one of those haircut consultations all over my For You Page, no matter how the fade turned out you will be getting clowned by your friends. Walking into homeroom is nerve racking, just waiting for someone to say something. You sit down at your desk, lower your head, and refuse to make eye contact with anyone. You know there is no way you’re getting through the day without someone making a comment. Hopefully the worst you hear is someone asking “did you get a haircut?” and then staying silent after you say yes, but odds are at lunch your friends are going to treat you like Richie Incognito when he gets a new teammate.
