Upon entering the cesspool of cum, beer, and new balances at a collegiate institution, 18-year-old males wait eagerly for sorority rush to come to an end and opportunities for them to engage in three minutes of disappointing intercourse to begin. For the fraternity male, he bestows a proud college emblem, or perhaps some sort of sea creature etched on his left breast. After weeks of chatting with the guys about how “wet” he’s going to be at intramural basketball and scrolling to the picture where his girlfriend in high school’s ass trumps the pineapple she is sipping from, he is ready to delve into new experiences and meet all kinds of girls. Speaking from experience, I will break down the seven girls that he will inevitably buy a lemon drop shot for some time in the next three months.
The “down to earth” girl from one of the coasts
Don’t be fooled fellas, those free people jeans cost her $79. She loves smoking weed and while it’s great she lives down the hall because she’s “the homie” she will eat at your wallet due to her affinity for a study-break nicotine buzz and love for the 94% THC cart you just bought that will give you both cancer in 52 years. She’s no slut, but she gets around enough. That “national earth day” Instagram post with seven pictures in it, ya, she’s been sitting on that since Summer, and she knows how good that vsco filter makes the sun look. You will get sick of her at times, but you really think she’s cool, even if that meme she sent you is aged you will still force a laugh.
The girl that loves cocaine
This girl is a fun time. She’s already fucked three guys you vaguely know and she’s gone to her sorority standards bitch twice already. Let it be known she will expect you to call that Uber at the pregame and if she’s not having fun she’ll let you know. She’s probably from a suburb of a big city and she has been going to bars since she was like 16. She will provide a detailed explanation of the bruises she has on her knee between bumps of blow and her Snapchat stories are a little too long for your liking. She’s sexy and looooooooves EDM.
The girl that “thinks sororities are stupid”
Most of the time, she rushed sororities and didn’t get into the one she wanted to get into. This girl loves tequila shots and will 100% blackout if you take her to formal. There is something off about her, and you can’t quite put your finger on it. She got incredibly upset you left her on open and she is always wondering what bars you’re going to at night. She is wildly passionate about astrology and loves Caucasian James. Wildcard.
The girl that has 3 tests this week
You met her on the night of her friend’s birthday. Her friends dragged her out and she was okay with it because nursing school is hard and she hasn’t posted an Instagram that illustrates how much fun she’s having in too long. DO NOT follow her fake Instagram or her private Snapchat story because it will ONLY consist of complaining and pictures of her crying. For whatever reason, she always has three exams a week, and she lurks in the library with a hydro flask and a somewhat shitty attitude. She thinks you’re a fuck.
The Southern Girl
It is amazing to you that she fucked your roommate like a pro, yet has Corinthians 2:14 in her Instagram bio. She had a boyfriend for 3 years in high school and she LOVES Thomas Rhett. She isn’t into drugs, but she loves her sorority little, tailgates, and stealing shirts. You’ll donate the one dollar to her philanthropic cause because you will be hungover and it will make you feel like a champ. Baseball games are her cup of tea during the spring and her senior year picture was professionally taken. She smells good and is surprisingly smarter than you expected her to be, despite the fact that she’s anti-abortion while hating condoms. Her Twitter is essentially just a cacophony of family-in-the-military reunions and retweets about your roommate’s propensity to get with people who aren’t her.
The girl with a boyfriend from home
Jesus Christ this is a lucky fella. Whenever he’s a dick, and he will be, she will ask for your honest opinion on him, but she will remember that you shat on him when they get back together. She loves fitness and can be seen posting up at a new smoothie place. Her taste in music consists only of Rap Caviar, which you will inevitably listen to because she will drive you somewhere at some point. She has a Jeep or a Range Rover, but you already knew that though.
The girl that loved Spring Break
It doesn’t matter that it was months ago, she had the time of her life. She probably got a lip tat and she fell on a table while her friends recorded her attempting to shotgun a beer. Did you throw up last night after packing that second bowl? Reminds her of this one time she threw up, on spring break.