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The Texts Your Mom Sent You As A Pledge

Hey honey, I just wanted to tell you how proud of you Dad and I are for getting your bid. I’m so excited to see the leader and man you’ll become throughout your time at insert fraternity here. I’m happy college seems to be going well, and I’m excited to meet your new friends. I know leaving your buddies from high school was difficult, but it’s fantastic that you persevered and joined an organization. I know I don’t have to tell you this, but it is IMPERATIVE that you keep those grades up. Love you!! Mom

Hey sweetie, I mentioned to Linda’s daughter that you are pledging insert fraternity here during tennis today. She said that those boys were horrible to their pledges at her school, even making some chug alcohol to assess their knowledge of the Greek alphabet. I just want you to remember that there is no shame in saying no. She also mentioned that the boys at University of Wisconsin in insert fraternity here took a habit of using hard drugs. One boy even overdosed!! I know your Dad and I taught you better than that, but I just want to reiterate that hard drugs are nothing to mess around with. I’ve seen people DESTROY their LIVES. I hope the older boys aren’t making you do anything gruesome. I sent you something that should arrive at the post office tomorrow. Your Father and I will be watching the game today. GO insert school name here. Mom

What do you need all this money for? It seems that almost every other day I’m getting a Venmo request. Isn’t that why you had a job over the summer?! What are your grades looking like? Please be sure that you are beginning to prepare for midterms. I saw your old coach today, and he was asking how you were doing. The dog misses you, and your sister can’t wait to see you over your fall break!! Mom

What the F-ing Hell?!!! Why do I keep seeing Venmo transactions on your account for snowflake emoji? Is that a drug thing?!!! Is that why you looked so skinny over fall break?! I know you said that the older guys in the fraternity were nothing but nice to you, but I don’t believe that for a second!! The loss of weight and the decline in grades are starting to concern me. Maybe it’s time to consider dropping that stupid fraternity. Are those guys making you do -dare I say it- cocaine? You know I love you; I just don’t want you to go down the wrong path. Mom

Yesterday at tennis, Linda showed me an article from the Times about the dangers of vaping. I hope you’re not doing any of that stupid stuff. Your father and I are eagerly awaiting to see your grades soon. We took your word that you would turn this semester around, and I pray that you did. I know you’re getting initiated soon. I hope the initiation week is fun! Send pics! Mom

Ds!!!!! Call me right now!!!! Mom

Answer your damn cell-phone before we turn it off!! Mom

You are in for a long talk over winter break!! Cabo? More like I don’t think so, mister.Mom

Did you get your flight information? As disappointed as Dad and I are in your behavior, you’re still our son, and we can’t wait to see you. We are going to have a long talk. See you soon. Mom\

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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