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The Things I Saw As A Fraternity President

Sophomore year. Friday night. I had been in my frat for 1 semester and had come down with a bad case of, as old guys would call it, cocky confidence that every new kid suffers from after they get into a frat. This is a completely fake symptom made by juniors and seniors to consistently belittle younger members of a frat no matter how friendly or selfless the young ones seem to be. It doesn’t matter how much hard work or free time you put into the frat, because the older guys will always say they did more.

Anyway, I had just finished handling my 3rd “girl missing her vape” of the night and was headed to our VIP section of the house party… don’t worry it was just a leaky sunroom with a disgusting couch you didn’t miss much. I went to grab some VIP exclusive Jungle Juice so I could continue my night of 50% quick funny anecdotes with random people at a party and 50% awkward conversations with people I should know, drinking large amounts so I can say “yea let me just grab another beer. I’ll be right back” and then avoiding them for the rest of the night.

One of these people greets me very kindly and it freaked me out. I talked to him for a little bit before finding out he was in a rival frat of mine. He also was a fucking dick last party to me. I suck at remembering people’s names but I will always remember the dude who was dancing on the flimsy kitchen table, refusing to get off. Wanting to get him back, I lied and told him I was in a frat that was very friendly with his. This allowed me to fuck with his brain because, as he put it, “dude no fucking way I thought I knew everyone in FIJI that’s awesome I love you guys. let’s get a drink”. I hadn’t planned on him believing me but now that I convinced him it was time to have some more fun. I tell him we got jungle juice in VIP and I can get him some. I only do this because I needed to buy some time to think about how I was going to fuck with him. Saying jungle juice only made his frat dick harder as he chants “no way bro that’s lit thanks for the hookup”. I give a pre covid dap, a very white “sho’nuff” and proceed back to VIP. 

On my way back I start trying to think about ways I can mess with him that won’t get me beaten up because yes this dude is a dick, but he’s also twice my size and definitely is one of those gym guys who listen to music without headphones. Should I spit in his jungle juice, tell him we are all out, or just ghost him for the rest of the night? Those seemed too simple. Before I could come up with anything I was back in front of his face, handing him a cup of jungle juice. I kid you not, the second I moved the cup close to him he turned his hat backwards Ash Ketchum style, said “facts good looks bro” and downed the entire cup. I knew this was going to be a fun conversation. and by conversation, I mean him spit talking into my cup while I smile and agree until I can find an opening for hijinks.

“We” talked about all the pointless shit every frat guy talks about at a party. Some shitty teacher he has, the most recent time he got fucked up, and the very obvious “shout flirting” with a girl from across the room. Somehow along the way, he mentioned that he was going to run for president of his frat next semester. Realizing he doesn’t know who I am I saw my opportunity. This gave me everything I needed to have a holy shit fucking awesome night. I tell him that I am the president of FIJI and he flips his hat back forward in astonishment. You could’ve just told him he won the lottery, that is how happy he was. He starts pandering “no fucking way bro no shit. No fucking shit. Dude, you gotta help me, man. I’m trying to pres it up next semester. Can you help me?” I am not joking at all… I got a little hard when I heard that. This was my chance to fuck with this guy so personally and sincerely that he will leave this house a changed man all through lies and fake ass stories; never to return and dance on my kitchen table ever again. And that’s exactly what happened.

Reminder: I am a sophomore with very little experience in a fraternity so I was going to have to make this shit up. He asks me questions “how hard is it being the president? Do some brothers hate you? Do you still get to party?” I assume that the last one is big for him. I don’t think he wants to be president if the president can’t fucking party. I spoke entire bullshit for every question. I have no idea how hard it is being the president of a frat… but neither does he. So, I lied and pretended to be the president of a frat I hate in order to fuck with this guy I hate. I said shit like “yea man you are going to have to make some tough decisions and its important to accept that not everyone is going to agree with them” or “you just have to remember why you are in this position… to help your brotherhood grow into something memorable to your community” or “people are going to hate you but who cares, you get tons of bitches as the president”. That last one worked especially well on him because, like a fucking movie, this girl I knew walked by as I finished so I said “hey Carley” then winked back at him. This guy was eating it up. He even at one point took out his phone and said: “hold on bro that’s good let me write that shit down”. Every question he had got more and more sincere. And every answer I gave him got more and more bullshit. I kid you not we talked for an hour until I pretended to get an important president phone call and told him I had to leave. He stands up and gives me the most heartfelt thank you a person could ever get from a jacked business major frat bro at a party. I slink off into the night never to see that man again. The end…

Just kidding. That dude actually became president the following semester! No joke I didn’t find out until a year or so later but the guy who was genuinely looking for advice and guidance succeeded based on my bullshit completely unprofessional drunk babblings and became his frat’s president.

Makes you wonder how much bullshit is fed to us by real politicians… 

Oh shit he went there

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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