This is a follow-up to the blog I put out yesterday.
“I don’t really watch porn”
Despite the fact that this is the single most easily recognizable falsehood that can come out of a guy’s mouth, we all still try to act like it’s true. It’ll happen around a girl (maybe a friend, maybe a girlfriend, maybe a girl you’re desperately trying to make think you’re not a degenerate so that you can see her naked), and the basic idea behind the lie is that you’re going to appear as the one guy who’s above watching porn – a guy who’s better than all the rest. Usually followed up with, “I just think it’s gross,” “It demeans women,” “I don’t see the point,” or “I just prefer the real thing,” (which is just a douchey way of lying about how much sex you actually have), it’s completely see-through, and as someone who feels important because a couple thousand people will read this, it’s my job to tell you that you’re better off just fessing up to the fact that you’re on the Hub 5-10 times a week.
“I’ve had ____ drinks tonight”
This lie goes in two directions. The first is the exaggeration. That’s when you’re hammered around your boys and feel the need to flex on them. You’ll stare dead into your best friend’s eyes, someone who doesn’t care even a little bit about how many drinks you’ve consumed and lie straight to his face. Nine beers got you drunk? Better make it fifteen because that way he’ll think you’re an absolute monster. The other direction is the undersell, and this is what you tell girls. You’ve killed an entire fifth on your own? Let’s make it seven drinks instead. Why? Because you’re trying to convince this girl that you’re not actually that drunk. This way she’ll go home with you with no knowledge that your dick is going work about as well as the phone charger I bought from 7/11 – it’ll get the job done if you give it four or five hours.
“I’m just enjoying being single and having more time for the boys”
This is usually said to your friends or roommates when they ask you if you’re talking to any girls, and it’s a lie they’ll see right through but not say a word about. Why? Because they’re going to have to use the exact same one whenever their relationships end. The loose translation of any guy saying this is: “I haven’t been able to get any pussy since my break-up.” Sure, it’s probably true that it’s been a lot of fun to spend more time with your friends, but let’s face it, life would be a lot sweeter if you were having consistent sex – and you’d bail out on your boys in a heartbeat if it meant you had even the slightest chance of seeing a girl naked. They wouldn’t blame you either. They’d do the exact same thing.