Disclaimer: This was written by a guy who has absolutely no business telling you what it takes to have sex these days.
It seems like after every recent NFL season, ESPN’s Instagram has let us know that half of the league’s so called “star players” who greatly underperformed this year spent the last ten games playing through what should have been a season ending injury. I think guys everywhere currently experiencing more time with a box of Kleenex and their personal favorite moisturizer owe a huge debt to this brilliant new trend. It’s allowing them – I guess I should really say us – to live through our dry spells without having to take ownership for the months of virginity we are experiencing. Let’s face it: getting back to the boys at home and telling them that COVID stopped you from getting ass is just so much easier than admitting that you’re not, in fact, the twenty-year-old reincarnation of Matthew McConaughey.
Now I’m not saying that COVID hasn’t made a legitimate impact on my ability to romance one of my classmates. With bars closed and a huge lack of sweaty basements brimming with the pent-up sexual energy of eighty-five college kids each praying to not leave alone, there has definitely been a significant drop in opportunity to find someone drunk enough to think that the obscure movie references I’m working into a conversation are actually quite funny. In all honesty, though, it’s become a crutch – an excuse for lack of effort. The reality of this situation is if you swipe right on the blonde goddess that you shared a breakout room with that one time last semester and you’re not seeing the “It’s a match!” notification after, you’re just one of those guys that has to try harder, and it’s better if we can accept it now.
It took me an entire COVID semester, but I think I’ve finally hit that time of acceptance. I’ll admit, I spent the fall wondering why there weren’t long lines of girls waiting eagerly to spend time with my newly single self, but I’m ready to change. Unfortunately, it’s not quite as simple as deciding to have sex, and here’s what it takes:
Step One: Admit It
If you’ve gotten this far, you are probably pretty close to achieving this first step. It’s pretty simple: admit that you’re never going to be the type of guy that girls are begging to get with. The sooner we admit that, the sooner you can start telling the lie that you normally last way longer than six minutes in hopes that she’ll give you another chance at pleasing her.
Step Two: Let it Rain
Step two is pretty simple: shoot your shot. There’s really nothing else to it. Start with the tens, and when they shut you down, go for a seven. The great Leon Black once told Larry David, “Ass is ass,” and those are words to live by. On a side note, though, if reading this makes you think about the “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky’ – Michael Scott” poster that you have hanging above your bed, get ready because you’re going to have to try a lot harder than everyone else.
Step Three: Rinse and Repeat
When – that’s right, when – you finally find a way to seduce a pretty young female, it’s important to not become complacent. This means vigorous thumb work outs every day to stay ready to swipe right at a moment’s notice. It means stop watching porn to jerk off because instead you should be sitting with a pen and paper taking notes as Johnny Sins simply pounds Nicole Aniston. Greatness doesn’t come from pure talent, it comes from hard work, so don’t call it a day after one win.
