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The Timeline of a Bender

Cropped image of handsome friends clinking bottles of beer and smiling while resting at the pub

Phase 1: “The Big Bang”

This is your first night in your bender. It will be, “fuckin’ crazy, bro.” You will end up spending $38 on pizza for you and a girl that’s absolutely taking advantage of the fact that you’re 13 beers deep. You won’t see a Venmo, and even worse, you won’t see her naked.

Phase 2: “I can do this forever”

No, you can’t. But after only a few days, you really don’t know what you’re in for. Going to bed at four in the morning? Easy. Waking up at ten and going napless throughout the day? No question. In the first part of your bender, you will feel like the world is fully under your control. Hangovers are barely even a thought, and the thought of cracking open a beer later sounds like the most perfect plan you’ve ever come up with.

Phase 3: “The make or break”

After maybe six (four if you’re a pussy) days of drinking in a row, you won’t exactly feel like garbage, but there will be a pretty noticeable difference in your energy when you wake up in the morning. This is the make-or-break point. Lots of people will take a day off here. That’s not what a bender is about, though. Channel that Ricky Bobby energy, wake up, piss excellence, and kill a beer. This is the most pivotal point in the bender. Fight through it.

Phase 4: “Fuck it”

After you fight through the make-or-break point of the bender, you’ll reach a time in which nothing matters anymore. You sleep until noon, nap from 1-5, and go to bed at six in the morning. It’s the point where you simply accept the fact that you’re a complete and total degenerate, and there’s nothing left for you in the world. It’s a bleak few days of the bender, but necessary to continue the pace of consumption.

Phase 5: “Light at the end of the tunnel”

This is where I am right now. Day 15. I can see the end in sight, and I have never been more excited to be sober in my entire life. It’s at this point in the bender that you’re drinking to celebrate the fact that soon enough, you’ll no longer be drinking. It’s by far the strangest feeling of the bender, but also the one that is currently keeping me from crying. I cannot wait for tomorrow’s sobriety.


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Written by TFM

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